Day 43 - Big ploppy tears and sober love

Today started well. Then it kind of slumped by eleven am, I was fed, I was watered I was happy working outside. Alone, happy enough, I'm mainly alone, its OK. But, out of nowhere, I allowed my emotions to turn something which was just a bit disappointing, into a complete melt down. The kind that makes you sob your heart out. From nowhere. Just a chance, throwaway remark. Hurtful, but nothing I've not heard before. 

For some silly reason, big ploppy tears, inconsolable wrenching sobs broke my body. So heartbroken and wracked I just thought to myself, Just forget about it all, just  have a drink.. So black and henious, so heartbroken, so broken.

I try to take stock, I know I'm prone to black moods and over thinking and its no better at the moment. Don't get me wrong my mood's generally been OK, I'm emotional but overall I'd say I'm not as black as normal, but today was like being dipped into a giant abyss of despair. Utterly lonely, utterly alone, utterly heartbroken. My husband is thousands of miles away, with a big time difference. He's not the cause of my upset but often good at giving me 'perspective' - he's fair minded and honest.

I dial his number, I wake him up. I need his voice. He's soothing and reassuring but the tears fall like big splashy rain from my eyes. I worry he tells me, so do I, I tell him. I hate these unseen, unpredictable swings in emotion. We talk a while longer, but he's drifting off its 4am where he is. I never really should have woken him, but he doesn't mind. 

We say goodbye. I'm alone. Reassured, loved but alone. Lonely for family but not for people. His advice is that I'm not being over sensitive, but I need to make a reasoned reply to the hurt, in my own time. When I'm calmer. I agree. My minds still in turmoil.

I so needed a drink, just to calm me. It was 12pm, I listened to reason, I heard everything said and I'm still sobbing my heart out, I just couldn't see any way forward at all. So black. So dark.

Just drink, that will make it better said the lonely wolf. He's been quiet lately but he's here and he's soothing. Just drink.

I have commitments. But, I'd like to drink, I would, it might make it better.

Who cares, Just drink.

I don't during the daytime but maybe after. I told myself, maybe after. I need to go and I need to think.

So I went and helped at a family thing. I went to the supermarket on the way home. I thought I'd head straight to the wine aisle, but I went by the candles, and the bubble bath. Smelling things. Looking at 'sober treats'. I need to think.

'You want wine, its bleak remember, its dark, life sucks.' said the wolf as he pointed, 'it's that way, maybe not wine, maybe some spirits? More soothing......'.

I might I mumble, I should eat first I tell the Wolf. I need to eat and I need to think. I'm buying myself time.

He grumbles. 

For the second time this month I find myself in McDonalds. Eating plastic crap food which I hate. But, I'm hungry and I'm desolate and I'm alone. And, I'm sure I'll drink. So I'm distracting myself by eating plastic crap and sucking on fizzy sugary juice. I'm actually putting off the moment I want to be buying wine. That's new.

Distracted, I check my phone, I check my 'sober emails'.  A message from lovely folks at living sober, a reply to this diary/blog. a message from Belle saying there's room on the 100 day challenge. Another blog from Unpickled, Bill at 'What me...sober', something about 'shrooms'.

'Down on yourself?  Consider the lowly mushroom.  If it can turn bullshit into gourmet food, so can we — and we don’t even have to eat it!  We just need to stop doing it to ourselves.  We can also choose to remain in the dark, living in manure.  It’s up to us.'

Love everywhere, sober love. Sober comfort. Right here in the supermarket. Thank you Bill, thank you all.

Do I really want to throw this all away and go back to how things were 43 days ago before I had this much sober time.

No. 

I don't know, 

I'm not sure.

No.

I leave the supermarket quickly and go home to the empty house. I tell the sulking wolf I can go for wine later if I really want some. For now, full, I leave the shop to think.

I still need to think. Is it easier sober? Is it? Probably. The alternative right now, is to just drink and not stop, soothe and escape, hide.

I'm supposed to be talking to the kids but I can put them off. They won't care. My husband won't call. I'm alone. I can do as I please.

I need to think.

So I run a bath, still bleak, the kids both skype, plans for next weekend, my son might come home, if his workload will let him, I didn't ask, he offered. My mood improves in the family chatter, the teasing and the banter. I miss this.

I lie in my sober bath, soothing, wondering why I let myself get so emotional around things and circumstances I can't change.  Surely my happiness can't be other peoples responsibility. Only I'm responsible for the happiness inside me.

I sure need to work on that. Until I can, I know I need to reach out, eat, drink sugary crap, talk to a friendly voice, if I'll let myself and not just get so isolated in my head that all I can do is think about drinking and being numb.

So today I was so tempted to just say fuck it today and just drink. It came really out of nowhere. To make it all go away for a while. 

OK so the situation from earlier isn't really resolved, but did I need to breakdown over something really outwith my control? 

Drink won't help in the longer term in the short term I guess it numbs. Solves nothing.

I really need to work on my inner emotional balance. Like big time.

Sober Girl. I thank Bill. I thank LS buddies, I sign up for Belle's 100 Day Challenge. I pledge to try to be my sober self, for another 100 days.

Sober Mum. A good chat 'conference call' with them both and maybe an invasion next weekend. I would have missed that call if I'd switched off into my bottle.

Sober Wife. I'm sure I'll pay big time (probably with a long bumpy bike ride) for the wake up call, but I needed to talk.