Day 35 - My sober views

Day 1 - a sober start. A walk in the woods to focus the mind and clear the hangover. Be strong. But remember, we've had many many day 1's. 

So rather than have SO many words today about ME ME ME. I thought I'd TRY to limit the words and lob in a few bonnie pictures. Save your ears from bleeding and let me see things differently, I'm trying to moderate my words, but I'm crap at that normally! Give yourself a star and a bar of chocolate, if you get to the end of my haivers (Old scots for talking nonsense).

So 35 days ago I decided, hangover in one hand, painkillers in the other, I'd try to stop drinking again. We've been here, many many times, many many times. Guess what, whilst its been an uncomfortable journey so far. I actually managed to live without wine for 35 days. I can tell you that was a shock to me. It's been my crutch for years. I stomped in our special woodland and I told myself I needed to change. Again.

Day 2, Week 1 -- Sober house arrest to stop me buying wine, hounds keep guard of my purse and my car keys.

Its not been an easy journey, I've literally been crawling the walls hearing the wine-song from all around me, This is a new house, and since moving in 5 months ago I'd had about 3 sober days in it. THREE. So some nights and days I placed myself on house arrest and stayed home, no alcohol for me. I reached out to the sober community online and they welcomed me in and sat me down and made me feel safe.  It was hard not reaching for the wine bottle, I bought chocolate (I hate chocolate) but its sweetness calmed my wine clanged head.

Day 14, Week 2 - Sober camping!

My wedding anniversary came, perfect time to pop the champagne cork, instead I met the sober innkeeper and we toasted with water to our first year of marriage. And, we camped, my FIRST sober camping. So much fun that I managed breakfast the next day instead of two coffees to go with my normal two painkillers and something to settle my stomach. Instead of looking inward and feeling the self loathing and cheating from lying about what I drank, I looked out, sober and unparanoid at the views, I was more 'in the moment' than reliving the stupidity of drinking the night before. I don't miss my drunk-paranoia. Not one bit.

Day 15, Week 3 - Sober treat breakfast in the west Highlands

A fair few challenges on the way. But, slowly we limped along to three weeks sober in our wee bubble and with the help of online friends. Real life loomed, as it does. A drinking friend came to stay. That wasn't easy and I was so angry with myself for not being 'able' to just have one. The voice in my head was telling me I want to drink. A smaller voice was telling me I can't drink, I just can't. So why should she?? I'm such a child.

Day 21, Week 4 - Sober weekend with chum to stay, flowers from the garden are my sober treat

We walked more than we would have, we chatted and whilst my friend drank, she didn't have any problem with me not drinking. But, like an elephant in the room, we didn't really talk about it. I was surprised how 'sober' she was after a bottle of wine and the extra drinks she'd brought with her 'Just in case', normally that would be me too. I'd bring my public wine and hide drinks in my overnight bag too. Of course I would, I don't mind sharing some wine, but not all my stash. Get your own, my wine voice tells me. This is mine. 

Day 22, Week 4 - Sober weekend scamps, hounds exhausted

As part of the 'sober' me, I've got out more. I've explored and walked and whilst many of these have been grumpy walks, stomps in fact, or stomping whilst listening to sober podcasts from Belle, or posting on Living Sober, or reading sober blogs. I've tried to be active. Its not been easy I just want to wallow in my own sorrow, wine-less. But, you know what, it started to slowly pass.

Day 24, Week 4 - more gardening, sober treats, vitamins.

I'm learning about my own relationship with alcohol. I'm learning that some folks are more susceptible to certain drugs like booze. Whilst I'm not sure how I fit into all of this I know when I have a real hard craving for wine, it might pass if I keep myself busy. So there's been a lot of frantic log chopping and kitchen cleaning going on. Each day I don't drink, I'm surer that the cravings are real, but also that they'll pass. Eventually. Thankfully I know there are a whole community of sober people out there I can reach out to, via my phone/computer if I want to drink. My sobriety like my drinking is still very private, I'm not ready to share it. And, I'm realising that's OK. I might never really share it, that's my choice. I quite like what Unpickled wrote about it all this week too too. 

Day 25 , Week 4, serious wood chopping Wolfie away, distractions whilst the wine beckons

I know that sometimes, when I'm bad needing wine so bad, I can drown myself in the tub, leave my boots strewn on the floor, and take care of me. I'm the only person who can do that. Yes I get angry, so angry that I want a drink and I can't have one, but I know after a while, it might pass.

Day 25 , Week 4 - girl abandons wellies to find hot sober bath not the Merlot.

I've had a few social events where I've not drank and even after one where I've ended up grabbing fast food and sitting slurping juice, email a sober friend until it passes rather than end up in the wine shop. But I have got out more and lived my life rather than hid with my wine bottle.

Day 26, Week 4 - sober (for me) 20th Birthday for my son, sober Haloween

I celebrated my son's 20th birthday sober, met up for a concert a few days later. Both of those were a real test, but they were OK. Sobers good, its calmer. Is my parent fuse longer when I'm sober? I think so.

Day 31, Week 5 - sober gig!

Its been an emotional ride, I hadn't expected that I stupidly thought I'd be the same me, just sober.  But I feel as if I'm naked. I'm not sure who I am without the switch off I use to get from wine each night. My world is the same, the views are different and I'm fragile, me? That's surprising. But, its such early days, I don't know who I am, but I think  I'm OK with that. Mrs D in her latest blog talked about sobriety being precious, she compared it to a delicate 'Faberge' egg. And, having read that and so many other stories from folks on sober forums etc, I think my sobriety is very precious, that's surprised me. As for my 'sober egg' for now its white and delicate.
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Day 34 - stormy walks after first 'sober' counselling session

One of the biggest things I've done is to know that I need to do something 'different' this time. So I found the sober online community and dove right in. I think I also need to work on WHY I drink. So I finally booked an appointment with my local alcohol dependancy unit. Well, not the one right next to me, one in a nearby town, I don't know anyone there. So drove through and I stood shaking in the carpark of the alcohol dependency unit. Everything in my body screaming you don't belong here. You're OK, you're normal, you just like wine, that's all. It took more courage that I'm sure I even have to ring the bell.  The one other person in the waiting room seemed 'normal' too. No more than a feeble smile exchanged between us. Enough for now, a voice telling me you don't belong here. And, yet, in my appointment I cried all over the tissue box there (I'm sure they have a good supplier) and was told they might be able to help me stay sober. I'm so grateful. She told me I wasn't just 'stupid', I just needed a bit of help. I don't like myself and she saw right through that one too. She told me I was brave. Whilst I don't feel brave, I'm glad I went.

Day 35, still a sober girl, always walking forwards I hope.

So that's a peek at my 35 days sober. Still a bit hazy, plenty work to do, a bit teary, lots of firsts, sometimes under 'house arrest' to stop buying wine, sometimes letting chums have the wine whilst I scoff chocolate, but I'm still here.  Still sober thanks to new friends and lots of advice, whom I can't thank enough. Now if you'd told me that was possible 35 days ago, I'd quite simply have not believed it, I'm still here, I'm still alive, still no wine. I think its far too early to say I feel something shifting yet. But, that calling voice, the song of the wine bottle is certainly faint at the moment, its not gone, but its fainter than it ever has been. Right now, I don't want to hear it.

Thanks for all your support over the past 35 days. I really couldn't have done it without you all, all my sober-super-heros. Happy Weekend folks.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.