Its fair to say that I'm less than what you'd call 'fluffy' today, in fact for most of the weekend I've been like a hedgehog crossed with a bear with a sore head. And, man have I let everyone know it.
I've always been a social creature, love a houseful. So we're often the 'hosts' for family weekends, dinners, you name it, I cook, plump and shop for it. But at the moment this has sent me into a rage of fury. I suspect if I'm honest my 'socialising' party pants were a great enabling mechanism for my drinking.
Yes really, you'd probably already guessed its taken me 30 days. 30 sober days to fathom this one out.
So this weekend, we hosted the furthest away rellies and their wee child. That in itself was OK, but there were extras 'invited' along to stay for the whole weekend, before and after the incoming folks arrived. My husbands mother for one. Now, I know that I find her difficult. I normally control my feelings with drink. Its not pretty or clever but that's what I do. Its my 'switch off' button. As I've recently moved down to join my husband I'm seeing a lot more of her, and if I'm honest, its driving me nuts. I need my space. She's happy in our space, Husband is happy, I'm going slowly mad.
No drinking to switch off the space issues, lead to even more rage, a sullen wife all weekend. And it seems I can do sullen crossed with rage at an olympic level. Oddly I didn't really want to drink, I wasn't angry I couldn't drink, just that I'd lost my switch off button.
They all finally left. I didn't enjoy the weekend. I was angry and stressed. That was noticed. I just didn't care.
So finally free, I decided I needed a treat to reward my shockingly bad behaviour. I wanted alcohol. So we went for 'treats' and that included a bottle of Cava which I'd convinced myself I deserved.
We also went for some takeaway.
My daughter texted to say she'd be free to skype at 8pm, this also sent me into a rage. But, I didn't want to talk to her after I'd been drinking. So I waited. I ate some crappy food, I drank some juice and made a tonic water with ice and lemon. I told myself I could drink after. I told myself I should listen so some sober stuff, read some sober stuff and then talk to my daughter and then see how I felt about the wine.
I listened to Belle's soberpodcast - about families and xmas and the buttons that get pushed. Any family event gets my buttons pushed.
I read up about anger in early sobriety and came across a lot of articles on Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. And, after giggling at Jean's eyebrows over on Unpickled, I read again an article on anger and falling into anger traps.
As the clock struck gone nine last night, I thought about being 30 days sober today. Maybe the food and the non-alcoholic drinks had been absorbed by now. I had a little space, I calmed down. A good chat with my daughter. A whole month sober, but no one knows aside you lovely folk.
The Cava remains unopened. I told myself I could drink it another day. Maybe never a small voice is saying. Why do I need alcohol as a treat anyway. I've behaved outrageously bad and sullen all weekend. My skins still crap, my weight is still up, my mood is still black. But, a small voice said, you'll hate yourself tomorrow if you drink this tonight. You'll feel crap. It will be hard to start again and 30 days is a lot to give away.
I think I need to find other mechanisms to control my rage and a better attitude. Stupidly I thought I'd be mended a bit by now. So having people in my sober bubble might be easier.
I think I'm going to pull the sober drawbridge up for a while again, maybe next time I let it down, I'll be better prepared and behaved. We've nothing scheduled again until Xmas/New year when we've a heap of folks here. That's not to say we wont have more in between but for now, I think its time to withdraw, reflect and find some help somewhere for this rage.
I know I need a decent moisturiser, some tlc for my hair and skin, some more vits? And maybe a plan to walk more and kick start that weight loss I'm whinging about. Time to take care of me and see the shiny sober self emerging.
Sober Mum, two skype calls, two nice chats and plan to see both this week.
Sober Wife, behaving dreadfully. Must work on that.
Sober Girl with extra rage, she needs to work on herself, her skin and her manners. For that she knows she needs time. Hibernation sounds lovely.
I promise I'll try harder to be less grumpy. The Cava was stupid, but it goes today, either as a donation or back to the shop to see if I can swap it for non-alcoholic treats. We'll see. What was I thinking.
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.