|Seven weeks sober. Day 49. Wowser.|
Each Saturday another week rocks up, thankfully, sober. I like using this post once a week to look at my week and think about the small stuff and the bigger stuff. To show myself, quite frankly, that life isn't shit. Its beautiful and bonnie and to be enjoyed, not wasted away by drinking, feeling shit, drinking some more, feeling 'shitter'. I like to see my number (like I do when I log into Living Sober!), so I wrote it today on the beach a few miles from where I live. I'm so lucky, we're in an area with abundant beaches. Seven weeks ago, 49 days ago, I just couldn't see the point, or the joy in any of this. So I had to change.
One thing I've noticed on this 49 day journey is that sleep, is very important. I've improved my sleeping space dramatically. For the first month of being sober, we literally slept in the living room, cosy in front of the tv on a sofa bed. Now, I've created a wee sober haven in the spare room. I think it looks quite bonnie. The words on the wall are a quote from a song I love. 'If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world.'
|Walking, walking and more walking.|
This week I've started to up my exercise again. My jeans don't fit. Like REALLY don't fit. My appetite is much healthier now that I've stopped the wine, so I need to start a bit of gentle exercise. But, I'm not rushing into it, I'm sort of allergic. I have a very lazy gene.
I've also been doing a lot of gardening. Its one thing that I'd really let slip over the months with drinking. So now I'm up and out when I get some free time. This week I allowed myself a whole day to myself. Some of it I spent in the garden working on my veg patch. Some I spent walking. I gave myself permission to just enjoy it and not fret. For once, it seemed to work.
Walking at the beach gives me a chance to clean my welly's. Well that's what I tell myself.
The light is going so quickly at the moment, I can't stand it if I'm honest, so I've tried to shake myself up into a routine where I tidy (a bit) and do chores (even less) in the early evening when the wine bells start clanging. I'm also not managing to sleep early so if I'm restless, I do a bit more. Or I read, or I watch some TV. Listen to the Bubble Hour, listen to Belle. Anything to keep me busy.
|Sober treats, apply liberally and often. Bunch of flowers, less than a bottle of wine. NO empty calories, unlike the wine.|
I also met my therapist this week, and I went to a group session for SMART recovery. I keep loading up the sober tool box, it doesn't seem to be full yet. So I'm just adding bits where I can without feeling too overwhelmed. So far, so good. I enjoyed the session with the group folks, although the dynamic this week was different there seemed to be a bit of an atmosphere. One person was very loud, dominating the discussion, I guess they needed to be and to share like that, are you allowed to say that? I was glad of a walk afterwards to clear my head and think of the work we did today.
If you were to name your top five important things in your life what would it be? This is interesting.
Almost ten folks in the room, all named the usual 'family, kids, job, work, holiday, pets, etc'. Not one of us named our 'substance of choice there in our top five most important things for our lives' and yet my wine often came above all of those five important things. And my boozing could have made me lose all five of my most important things. If my wine isn't important to my core happiness, why have I let it dominate my happy things. That was something to think about.
|I found NO on the beach. Just in the nick of time.|
I thought about moderation this week and wondered if it could work for me. As I walked on the beach (and I swear this is true) I found a bit of washed up pottery telling me not to be so stupid. Moderation and I are not friends. I still feel very odd thinking about 'never' drinking again. It funckles up my brain cogs. [Funckles is a new word, do you like it?]
Keeping busy during the wine hours, I chop wood and to reward myself after a lovely sober bath, I lounge in warmth.
I'm still home alone, my partner is still away for work. I thought about the fact that I'd planned an epic bender for this week when he was away. One week has turned to two and now to three. A small part of my brain is telling me I'm an idiot for not using this time, this guilt free time, to drink. I refer the small idiotic voice to the pottery (up there).
|Fierce looking dog capable of seeing off Wolfie. Honest.|
Truth be told I'm more than a bit scared as to how that might have turned out. 2-3weeks uncontrolled drinking. No rules, no job, no boundaries. Yes the voice of unreason in my head, that Wolfie voice, is saying, it would have been epic. Just drink, he's still not home. Why not.
Its still a moron as you can hear. I refer it to the pottery in the kitchen 'NO'. And tell it I'll set the dogs on him. Or maybe I'll just let him eat the sheep in the sink.
|Our resident sheep needed a wash. Yes I know I need help. Who knew I had a sense of humour.|
So week seven, day 49. Sunshine and showers. Beaches and gardens. The voice is still here. That's for sure, but I'm using the wise words from Belle of 'oh just piss right the fuck off'. In what universe Wolfie would this scene here, at the beach, be better with a fucking hangover???? Go away.
He only understand swearing, I'm sure of it.
|The sober garden.|
And, I've been busy. Man have I been busy. Rather than see the weeks with my partner away as time to drink. I've used it as time to think. I've also used it to get on with my veg patch. I've hauled sleepers, I've lifted turf, I've laid matting and sworn when the gales took it off up the garden. I laid it again. I swore more when I realised I didn't like where the main path was, and moved it a foot the other way. I've dug beds, cut down trees (chainsaw yay!!), chopped wood, hacked shrubs. Its been fun. I have learned a few things doing this, sober, no hangover.
I'm stronger than I thought.
I'm OK on my own.
I appreciate the beauty around me.
Its also OK to enjoy spending time alone.
Others peoples agenda's aren't the same as mine.
I don't like to ask for help, but I'll take it now and again. (But not in my garden.)
If its not right, don't put up with it, change things.
Sober treats are good.
Not drinking is hard, but I'm not dead yet.
Drinking right now, not a good idea for me.
I don't want to drink today.
Dogs don't like gardening, except digging.
I'm losing some friends, they don't get this me. I don't either but I'm going to take a chance on her.
I miss my kids, but that's normal. Drinking a gallon of wine every night, because I miss them, unhelpful.
So that's my seven sober days. I really hope yours were good, hopeful, warm, friendly, supported, sleepy and full of love.
PS, I'm starting to be proud of that number and not just see it as something 'normal' people do, not drink. I started resenting that I couldn't drink normally. Now, I'm proud that I've managed for these days. Actually proud. That's a huge change in me.
For that and your ongoing love and support, I thank you. xx
PS and in a small voice, I have a 'just for fun' facebook page. I've had it for yonks. If you do want to link up please have a peek. No pressure. I don't share my name on there just crazy pics of gardens and beaches. Oh and chickens. My friends and some folks interested in random stuff use it, they don't know I'm getting sober, so I trust you'll be kind if you stop by. I guess more sober life in virtual lands can't be a bad thing?