Sunday 16 November 2014

Day 43 - Big ploppy tears and sober love

Today started well. Then it kind of slumped by eleven am, I was fed, I was watered I was happy working outside. Alone, happy enough, I'm mainly alone, its OK. But, out of nowhere, I allowed my emotions to turn something which was just a bit disappointing, into a complete melt down. The kind that makes you sob your heart out. From nowhere. Just a chance, throwaway remark. Hurtful, but nothing I've not heard before. 

For some silly reason, big ploppy tears, inconsolable wrenching sobs broke my body. So heartbroken and wracked I just thought to myself, Just forget about it all, just  have a drink.. So black and henious, so heartbroken, so broken.

I try to take stock, I know I'm prone to black moods and over thinking and its no better at the moment. Don't get me wrong my mood's generally been OK, I'm emotional but overall I'd say I'm not as black as normal, but today was like being dipped into a giant abyss of despair. Utterly lonely, utterly alone, utterly heartbroken. My husband is thousands of miles away, with a big time difference. He's not the cause of my upset but often good at giving me 'perspective' - he's fair minded and honest.

I dial his number, I wake him up. I need his voice. He's soothing and reassuring but the tears fall like big splashy rain from my eyes. I worry he tells me, so do I, I tell him. I hate these unseen, unpredictable swings in emotion. We talk a while longer, but he's drifting off its 4am where he is. I never really should have woken him, but he doesn't mind. 

We say goodbye. I'm alone. Reassured, loved but alone. Lonely for family but not for people. His advice is that I'm not being over sensitive, but I need to make a reasoned reply to the hurt, in my own time. When I'm calmer. I agree. My minds still in turmoil.

I so needed a drink, just to calm me. It was 12pm, I listened to reason, I heard everything said and I'm still sobbing my heart out, I just couldn't see any way forward at all. So black. So dark.

Just drink, that will make it better said the lonely wolf. He's been quiet lately but he's here and he's soothing. Just drink.

I have commitments. But, I'd like to drink, I would, it might make it better.

Who cares, Just drink.

I don't during the daytime but maybe after. I told myself, maybe after. I need to go and I need to think.

So I went and helped at a family thing. I went to the supermarket on the way home. I thought I'd head straight to the wine aisle, but I went by the candles, and the bubble bath. Smelling things. Looking at 'sober treats'. I need to think.

'You want wine, its bleak remember, its dark, life sucks.' said the wolf as he pointed, 'it's that way, maybe not wine, maybe some spirits? More soothing......'.

I might I mumble, I should eat first I tell the Wolf. I need to eat and I need to think. I'm buying myself time.

He grumbles. 

For the second time this month I find myself in McDonalds. Eating plastic crap food which I hate. But, I'm hungry and I'm desolate and I'm alone. And, I'm sure I'll drink. So I'm distracting myself by eating plastic crap and sucking on fizzy sugary juice. I'm actually putting off the moment I want to be buying wine. That's new.

Distracted, I check my phone, I check my 'sober emails'.  A message from lovely folks at living sober, a reply to this diary/blog. a message from Belle saying there's room on the 100 day challenge. Another blog from Unpickled, Bill at 'What me...sober', something about 'shrooms'.

'Down on yourself?  Consider the lowly mushroom.  If it can turn bullshit into gourmet food, so can we — and we don’t even have to eat it!  We just need to stop doing it to ourselves.  We can also choose to remain in the dark, living in manure.  It’s up to us.'

Love everywhere, sober love. Sober comfort. Right here in the supermarket. Thank you Bill, thank you all.

Do I really want to throw this all away and go back to how things were 43 days ago before I had this much sober time.

No. 
I don't know, 
I'm not sure.
No.

I leave the supermarket quickly and go home to the empty house. I tell the sulking wolf I can go for wine later if I really want some. For now, full, I leave the shop to think.

I still need to think. Is it easier sober? Is it? Probably. The alternative right now, is to just drink and not stop, soothe and escape, hide.

I'm supposed to be talking to the kids but I can put them off. They won't care. My husband won't call. I'm alone. I can do as I please.

I need to think.

So I run a bath, still bleak, the kids both skype, plans for next weekend, my son might come home, if his workload will let him, I didn't ask, he offered. My mood improves in the family chatter, the teasing and the banter. I miss this.

I lie in my sober bath, soothing, wondering why I let myself get so emotional around things and circumstances I can't change.  Surely my happiness can't be other peoples responsibility. Only I'm responsible for the happiness inside me.

I sure need to work on that. Until I can, I know I need to reach out, eat, drink sugary crap, talk to a friendly voice, if I'll let myself and not just get so isolated in my head that all I can do is think about drinking and being numb.

So today I was so tempted to just say fuck it today and just drink. It came really out of nowhere. To make it all go away for a while. 

OK so the situation from earlier isn't really resolved, but did I need to breakdown over something really outwith my control? 

Drink won't help in the longer term in the short term I guess it numbs. Solves nothing.

I really need to work on my inner emotional balance. Like big time.

Sober Girl. I thank Bill. I thank LS buddies, I sign up for Belle's 100 Day Challenge. I pledge to try to be my sober self, for another 100 days.

Sober Mum. A good chat 'conference call' with them both and maybe an invasion next weekend. I would have missed that call if I'd switched off into my bottle.

Sober Wife. I'm sure I'll pay big time (probably with a long bumpy bike ride) for the wake up call, but I needed to talk.

16 comments:

  1. My Dear Daisy,
    So sorry Wolfie targeted you today, sounds terribly painful. I'm hoping your tears were healing ones and they have cleared the path for a sunny tomorrow. Big test and temptation today and you did so well. You are a star! Sending you warm hugs, a cup of tea, and a kiss on the forehead,QuietlyDone

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    1. Hey QuietlyDone, He's a bit of a bastard that wolfie, kick a girl when she's down. I thank you for all your gifts. Monday was a better day that's for sure. You're the star thank you.

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  2. Hi Daisy. Yeah, those days sure are rough but hooray you for getting through it! I have a lot of those big emotional spells, too, and it took me a while to realize that getting away from my own emotional life may have been one of the reasons I drank so bloody much. These days I'm finding it easier to just accept my own emotional stominess when it comes, but it's also settled down a lot. Anyway, a big hug to you, dealing with the big abyss and doing it fabulously! Hope you have an easier day tomorrow. And I'm glad you're feeling all the love. xo

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    1. Hey Thirsty Still, I never knew I had so many emotions in me. I know its sometimes a bit crazy for me, but never like this, maybe its the deadened thing that's awakened. Sober love seems to be everywhere I just didn't have my eyes open before. Hugs to you too! And thanks for popping by.

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  3. sometimes it takes everything we have just to hang on to the sides of the roller coaster, doesn't it? all of those muttered responses to that voice sound so familiar...very glad you are hanging in there! as Belle says, I used to think the only way of getting that voice to shut up was to drink - when in fact the only REAL way is a prolonged period of sobriety.

    and also glad you reached out to your husband to talk about FEELINGS, for heaven's sake! asking for help is just the bee's knees. can't beat it! I got some great advice in a comment from Running on Sober on dealing with the abyss, as Thirsty Still describes it - here in case it helps: http://takinganewpath.wordpress.com/2014/01/20/lunchtime-thought-on-re-framing/

    go girl :) xx

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    1. Hey Now I loved loved loved this image. 'Reframing'. Poor husband probably doesn't need 4am phone calls (he's away) but he puts up with me big style. As I do with him. I dont like this abyss but we do go way back it would appear. Thanks me dear you're a star. x

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  4. Oh Daisy - I'd wish I'd been there to give you a hug and tell you it will be okay. Mrs D said it so well on her blog about how 'water just fell from my eye's' and that's how it is sometimes - like someone turns on the tap and we can't turn it off. I know it doesn't feel healing at the time but it is. Big hugs you are doing great :) xx

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    1. Well I'd thank you too if you'd been here, and water certainly leapt from my eyeballs crazy stuff. Who knew I could cry so much. What it did do was make me see some things for how they are. Painful but I'm hoping that I move forward quietly and healing would be nice. xx

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  5. Dear Daisy, so sorry you had a bad day, and I hope today will be better. When the tears come think of them as sober, healing tears. I love how your sober connections came along and rescued you from the wolf. The love that pours from the sobersphere is overwhelming and wonderful. Sending Monday hugs from the US :-) Lori K. xx

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    1. Hey Lori, healing tears, I seem to be good at these the now. I guess the amazing thing about the web is the connections that can be there at anytime. Tuesday rather damp Scottish hugs back to you. I'm not a fan of this wolf you know.

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  6. I'm here for you if you need me. Annie x

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    1. Hey annie thank you I know that you are and I so appreciate it. XX Hope you're good.

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  7. OMG, yes, remember that well! eat as much shit as you feel like. its what gets us through. then eat more. !! a huge well done, it sucks but it gets easier and easier - PROMISE!
    big hugs from nz
    Lisa
    www.thecword-compassion.com

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    1. I seem to be very good at eating utter crap at the moment. And, some healthy stuff. Today I had a session and planned to eat straight after, not get hungry and walk the dogs, but eat first. I'm glad it gets easier, I may use up this years tear allowance. Hugs back to you! x

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  8. McDonald's is a perfect alternative to booze. The drink wouldn't have solved this. I found drinking made me wallow in sadness. The happy buzz was few and far between.

    You did great.

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    1. I think on Sunday if I'd started I might not have stopped til I passed out. Really not good. That's what really got me about this last bout of drinking, it was about wallowing, big style. You're a star too thank you. Like a billion. x SO I ate plastic food, I'm sure I'll do it again. Much safer.

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