Saturday 29 November 2014

Day 56 - My Sober Week

Loch Leven at dusk.
Eight weeks today I gave up the booze (again after so so so so so many day 1's) and this time, touch wood, I've got to 56 whole days today. Whoop whooop. I'm trying to learn to see my life a bit differently by taking a photo or two each day to look back on and remind myself of the small things I can/should be grateful for. So this is my sober week. 

So it started lunch out and dusky walks by loch sides, nattering with chums started my week. That was nice. I'm new to this area so more exploring required. Its been a funny week of bursts of activities with far away friends when they're free and lots of down time, due to bad weather, an unenthusiastic heart and tired bones. I started therapy this week, its knocked me for six. All those kind words of perhaps too much too soon, I think you might be right. 
Beautiful sparkly trees.
A trip to the city in the late afternoon, the sun goes down and the city lights up. Whilst I have to admit I really wasn't looking forward to spending time, a/in the city and b/with a chum I find tricky, it was a nice day. What's the phrase you folks have been using? I leant into it. 
The capital gearing up for Xmas, for every one fun stand, a booze stand keeps it company.
Sometimes a change of scene helps put other things into perspective. Normally by this time I'd have been drinking, cosy in my little drinking nest. I'm noticing I'm getting out more, (grumpily) but I am, and often in the early evening when I'd refuse to normally.
A harbour where I use to play as a kid on boats.
My husband returns and we stroll hand in hand along the beach. This is a special place for me. My haven, my port in so many storms. I always come here when I need to think, to grieve, to express joy. So many summers spent here, on boats, on beaches with my grandparents. Its the one consistent place from my childhood in a life with lots of moving. My grandparents, sadly now gone, my rocks, always here. I use my grandma's name for this journey. I know she'd never mind me hiding behind her skirts, peeking out, safe from the world.
My companion walking along the wall towards me, joining me on my journey.
I remind myself its a long road, but there are friends guiding me. OK so this friend is furry, likes bones and doesn't really mind if I'm grumpy, sleepy, sad, dozy, He's always glad to just see me and keep me company on my journey. So many friends I feel I've made so far on this journey out in sober lands (thank you all). So many people who understand. So, whilst I'm alone here, I know I'm not alone on my sober journey. That's so helpful, so encouraging, knowing you're we're all out there. Thank you.
Calm seas, birds calling, a few walkers on the beach, a good place to think.
The week of beaches continue, although the storms start late in the week. One day calm, the next rolling, grey, dark, moody. Less than 24 hours between these photos. Churned up rolling seas after calm. 
Rolling waves, crashing seas, quite a different view from the day before.
Not unlike this journey. Full of ups and downs, surprises and challenges. I found my number yesterday on the beach. I've lived here for 5 months now and never seen this graffiti although its probably been there for weeks, maybe years. Yesterday I saw my number, 55 days sober. So I stopped to admire it, what a bonnie number.
My number on the beach, this made me giggle.
I'd say its a sign, but you know, I'm not sure I believe in that stuff. A good week, hard in places, therapy left me feeling ripped open.  I've slunk into self-preservaton mode a bit the end of this week. I'm back in bed after my husband leaves. Although I eat a hearty breakfast that's for sure. I'm reading, I'm reading more. Finding more sober blogs, looking after myself. Trying new things to see what works. Being easy on myself as I don't know what else to do. 
New to breakfast, I'm concocting various things to go on breakfast bagels!
 My biggest challenge this week is avoiding the rain, not letting the grey dreich weather and landscape ooze into my bones and leave me feeling emotionally emptier than I do already.  But, I tell myself, empty is better than defeated. Surely you can't start to build a proper new life, without clearing out all the crap that sank you before? Some days a walk with the dogs, an appointment out for an hour is all I can do.

So I fill up the fuel tanks of my physical body, I rest it and I care for it. (Did I mention I'm very shiny and clean from all those baths?) Its all I can do, I know I'm not alone. I feel drained and empty but there's not a hangover in there too. That's a good thing.

Not a bad week, therapy knocked me for six, perhaps ramping that down a bit might be the kindest thing to do. I'm OK if the journey is slow, really I am. Its just backwards I'm trying to avoid.

I hope your week was good! I find looking back over pictures on my wee phone and thinking about my week helps me to focus on the small things, which I really should be grateful for along this journey. Like beaches and bagels and happy hounds who keep me company, not minding if we walk or sleep.

Have a great weekend and week ahead, I hope you find lots to make you smile this week and to be grateful for, in the small stuff. Why not take some photos to remind yourself of your journey? xx

18 comments:

  1. Hi Daisy,
    I love how you weave your thoughts with your photos and weekly wrap up and always come up with a solid plan!! I might try that:). You are doing it! KT

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    1. Thank you KT - its my way of trying to find the small things each day through my week to be grateful for.

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  2. Hi Daisy :) I grew up along the sea, in the southeast US. I live a few miles away from it now, but don't get close to nearly as much as I'd like to. A furry friend is the best therapy; that unconditional love is priceless. I like your suggestion about taking pictures to document our journey. Congrats on your eight weeks! Lori K. xx

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    1. Thank you Lori K, I like this way of reflecting on the week. I love the sea, the openness and vast skies, whipping wind and wide spaces feed my soul. I hope you get to the beach soon. My hounds are my faithful companions. X PS Take some pics yourself! You don't have to share them

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  3. Hi! I've been catching up on your blog. I think I'm just about 2 weeks behind you. I relate to a lot of what you say. It has been fascinating to find so many people I relate to through blogging. I never expected that and I really never expected to connect with people in so many parts of the world. I'm not sure where exactly you are but it looks fantastic. Keep up the good work!

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    1. Hey there TMSN - hello. Well done on so many weeks sober! The blogging world has helped me enormously to give me strength and strategies. I'm in Scotland, I hope you are well and pop by again, off to take a peek at your blog!

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  4. Daisy, what a lovely round up of your week, lows and highs. I too am knuckled down, getting through, trying to grasp the joy in the things I used to overlook. Lovely pictures to document your journey. 8 weeks is so great, my friend. Hugs from Bea xxx

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    1. Bea thank you. White knuckling it I think someone said, how true! Im glad you like the wee peeks, I'm finding joy in sharing I must admit, and reminding myself whilst my life has changed, its still beautiful. x Happy sober days to you my friend x

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  5. Hi Daisy. I do love your wrap, its a nice sober treat for me on a sunday morning. love to get to Scotland some day! I can so relate to how you feel right not. keep pushing, I reckon you are nearly over the worst of the humps (from my experience anyway).
    hugs from nz
    Lisa
    www.thecword-compassion.com

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  6. Hi Daisy,
    What a huge week you have had! Although you may not feel it, please know that you are a gifted writer, your charm shines through in your delightful turn of phrase. So enjoy your blog and posts at LS. As the weeks are passing for you, your strength is growing, just like your beautiful garden.
    Shine on Daisy!

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    1. Hey there Quietly Done my lovely friend. You're very kind. A week and a half. I so love living sober too such a great site. shine on you me dear, its so wonderful to have you all near by. x

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  7. Beautiful thoughts as always. Don't give up in the therapy. Just remember you may need extra time to let whT gets brought up settle. We need to let go of a lot to move forward.
    Anne

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    1. Anne, I'm going ot keep going but maybe just make sure I'm a little kinder to myself and make myself treats for after. My anxiety so got the better of me this week. Thank you for your kind words. You'll be pleased to hear I'm starting a local yoga class this week.

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  8. what a great way to consciously record your week. keeping tabs on it and yourself. Have you heard this week's Bubble Hour on gratitude? it's a cracker. I know that keeping a gratitude journal helped me enormously in the early months of sobriety.(don't seem to need it so much, now. may be missing out...) in the Bubble Hour episode the ladies highly recommended sharing your gratitude list, saying that the act of connection with others in gratitude enhances it many fold. which is what you're doing here, yes? I love that you found 'your' number 55! sometimes the Universe is purely hilarious :)

    oh, and that description of you wearing your grandmother's name for your journey and peeping out from behind her skirts...quite possibly the most beautifully and sensitively phrased thing I have read for some time. thank you, Daisy. lots of love, Prim xx

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    1. Hey Prim, as it happens I was making sushi (for a party) whilst listening to the bubble hour this saturday after I'd written this. I think that looking at the small stuff and reflecting is quite like a gratitude diary/list. I'm trying to see how I fit into my new life.

      As for the number - well I've walked that beach 3-4 times a week since I've moved and never seen it before (grafiti isn't frequent where I live) and its old (after inspecting it) so how funny is that. In truth it said 55555! so I need to work a whole lot harder to get to that one!!!!!

      Haven't we all found women and men who've given us strength in our lives. Peeking out of my grannies skirts and then seeing my daughter do it with me, always makes my heart sing. Thank you for the compliment. xx

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  9. Take it easy and pace yourself. I used to call my therapy in early sobriety 'open-heart surgery' because it was so painful to go back and feel the stuff that had gone before. It did get easier and helped me understand what I had been avoiding and trying to numb.

    Lovely images.

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    1. Hello Mary LA - I wonder sometimes why I drink then when I sit and recount, very pragmatically some of my life whilst not hard by some standards, the lonliness is apparent. Numbing might be easier but as we said this week, its locking out the good and the bad.
      Thank you
      xx

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  10. So love these posts Daisy :) xx

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