Monday, 1 December 2014

Day 58 - Same old, same old

Just another normal day at the homestead. Up early, himself leaves for work and then on with the day ahead. For the past few months I've really been hunkered down and almost waiting out my existence in a heady mix of bed and erm, bed. Not bonnie. And, to be fair whilst I'd given myself most of October in my poor state to try and mend, November kind of rolled around too. And, now its December. So today I told myself, on this first Monday of the new shiny month, I'd get up earlier and actually 'do' something with my day other than lounge about reading and feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Its booze I've given up, not lost a limb, it just feels like I have. So one of those days where the weather starts lovely and slowly lurks into yuk-ness (definite weather jargon here). Breakfast first, although I notice I'm skipping this stage, I've had to stop and tell myself looking after me, is important. So breakfast before anything. Hens/dogs sorted. Cleaned out the stove and wrote my number in the ashes, well why not. I'm a normal gal with normal chores and normal house-wifey things to do. I also thought about drinking, not drinking, sober, not sober for about a gazillion times today. Just another usual day in my bizarre head.

I am minded of something on The Bubble Hour last week or the week before about 'shortcuts' someone said, (Elie?) that as a boozer she's all about how quick, how easy, what shortcut there can be to get from X to Y to Z. And, I know I've been so guilty of that. So I'm trying to get my day through by seeing things from start to finish and not leaving things half done, as I always do. Its ironic because this always stresses me, so I'm challenging myself to be kind to myself but also to see things through. Well, that's my plan.

I'm trying to structure my day a bit. Whilst the luxury of unemployment and being at home sounds fabulous, its really worn off here. I love being here, don't get me wrong but money pressures are adding up and I really need to find more work soon. Really so. But, until then, I tackle the household chores then I tackle the life admin ones. I've decided today rather than feel overwhelmed at everything I'm breaking things down into managable tasks. Like doing some voluntary work on a database, which might or might not lead to work. The task seemed simple enough, but its far more complicated than I first been told, or heard. No biggie but things like this, where I seem to be slower to start or struggle to start at all, I really find hard. And, not finishing things, well that's a big fat alarm bell in my head too.
So taking advice from my support group, I'm giving myself short, tasks to complete. Getting out in daylight for a walk, then returning to tasks when I'm home. I struggle with self-esteem, largely related to who knows what, but I know it makes me drink, or hide in drink. So today, this very first day of the month on my 58th day sober, I get up like a regular person, I start up my PC and I settle down to work after a few chores. OK so I'm not going to solve the worlds problems, but as sad as it sounds, getting up and through a day rather than hiding in bed, where its safe, is something I need to work into my routine. I'm going to be gentle on myself but I need to start moving forward slowly. 

So here I am at the end of the day, teas on the hob and I'm still sat at my PC having got a fair bit of data entry done, a bit of cooking, walking and wood chopping in between. Today feels like a start on the new road of my very ordinary life, just like most women my age with the kids left home. Except no wine for me.  I've taken it easy. I'm not stressed. I've worked a fair bit today.

So I've thought about sober, drinking, not drinking, reasons why I drink, how my family is affected by my drinking a gazillion times. But, I've not been drinking. Not today. Small steps.

Tomorrow I'm planning on getting up again early. Having breakfast before anything else. Sorting the dogs/hens. A bit of work then my therapy session. Sober treats need sorted before I leave, thinking a really lovely pate made from cream cheese (must find the recipe today) to chill in the fridge and some crusty bread on the way home and a magazine. Maybe that will do it........

So its same old, same old here. Nothing much to report aside another day sober, no Wolfie today so far. I'm tucking into ruby rich coloured Beet It juice. 

Its in my favourite glass, as I finish the day, who knew I'd turn to beetroot juice instead of wine.

Be aware: Drinking beetroot juice may turn your urine pink; this is perfectly normal!

Normal, pink pee, well aye I guess so. And if I want to start running up mountains........

Beetroot juice can significantly benefit athletic performance at altitude"
Journal Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise

.....this sober malarkey doesn't half take you funny places.


  1. Pink pee. Wow. And another day sober is a great deal to report, methinks :) Bea xx

    1. Well it was the oddest juice I have ever drunk. And pink pee wasn't the half of it. Say no more x

  2. ok here is the best and simplest ever pate recipe: two peppered smoked mackerel fillets whizzed up with a tub of creme fraiche and some lemon juice. with granary toast and tomato quarters on the side (if you can find any edible tomatoes at this time of year. they may be in hibernation along with the avocadoes, of course.)

    keep up with the minutiae. if it helps, my mantlepiece looks distressingly like your hearth. must dust. soon. or one day...P xx

    1. Thanks P! Have that one saved. I do have three tomatoes left from the garden, they aint big but I'm so looking forward to eating them. This might be perfect. My mantlepiece also looks like my hearth, are we twins? xx

      PS I thought dusting and hoovering were what children were invented for.

  3. Pink pee sounds quite distressing, if you didn't know it was caused by the beet juice ;) day 58! I'm on day 187, I believe the booze will always be on my mind, some days more than others. Don"t push yourself too hard, you're doing great! Lori K xx

    1. Lori K - I can imagine it might freak someone out. Some days are worse aren't they? Day 187 - 190 now??? Fabulous.

  4. Hi Daisy! Day 22 for me and no wolf at the door. Being someone who is quite partial to Beetroot, particularly Polish Borsch, I am quite familiar with the interesting consequences of consumption of said vegetable. Never a dull moment! Well, well, well done on Day 58. Like you, I am unusually unemployed at the moment and the spare time can certainly chase you down all manner of rabbit holes. I suspect the key is something along the lines of structure in your day. I make a point of getting out of the house everyday, putting makeup on and something flattering to wear. I know I'm in trouble if my grooming takes a tumble. When I broke up with my first real boyfriend at 21 I made a point of going to bed with full makeup (including red lipstick) and something fetching on. This did nothing for the condition of my pillow covers but certainly made a difference to how I felt. I was quick to dash to the bathroom in the morning without checking the mirror and wash all the smears off my face before re-applying. Madness, yes. But wise words: "Whatever gets you through the night" as John Lennon said. Thanks for your support and apologies for not getting to your blog sooner: I have most decidedly had my head up my own arse. I am quite impressed with the wood-chopping. And the lack of limb removal that I'm sure would be consequent upon my attempting such a task. Happy days to you.

    1. Hey there MTakesabreak, Day 22 is lovely well done. I'm new to this beetroot malarkey so thanks for the heads up. My main ambition for this week is to be up and semi-productive in the mornings and get out everyday.

      Your make up routine sounds gorgeous. (Although I'm glad I'm not washing the pillowcases!!) whatever gets us through, right!!

      Please don't apologise for being distracted, you're focusing on you thats important.

      And, as for the wood, I have messy hands full of cuts and bruises.

      Now, I must try and find my hairbrush.................. xx

  5. love beetroots. (and avocado!) take lots of care, yes, routine is valuable I think. making an effort on the outside always helps how I feel on the inside
    hugs from nz

    1. Thank you lisa. A routine helps doesn't it. My problem is though that I'm often up to my ears in mud, wood or some such nonsense so my outside is often messier than my inside, but when I'm not getting clarty, I'm trying to make more of an effort.


      You're right you know x

  6. But it IS like you're recovering from a physical illness - and you'd spend lots of time in bed for that :) xx