Tonight has been one of the hardest not to just stop and grab the nearest bottle of wine, throw off the top and guzzle until it just stops hurting. I might be sounding melodramatic, salty tears fall down my face frequently today. Why is it so hard. What can I do to make it better.
I meet my daughter for a pre-christmas catch up. We arrive an hour before we're due to see her, she arrives late. Teenage time keeping. We swap pleasant enough conversation. The kind that is familiar yet, newly crackling with egg shells underfoot. Dare I ask for more I think, dare I ask for more than dribbles shared with the likes of the milk man? No says the voice, don't scare her away. The dance of the teenager newly left home and the mother who's not quite sure why it has to be so hard.
We share food, talking about nothing.
We shop for a few xmas presents and a brief glimmer of the girl I know peeks out, only for a second, then she's gone.
And, as quick as the conversation turns from hats to travel, she decides its time to leave. Merry Xmas and safe travels I say. Of course she says. Bye.
I don't quite know when it got to a couple of hours and goodbyes. I don't quite know when that became enough. She's well and truly out of my life at the moment and the pain in searing.
My children have always gone to their fathers for the holidays, I did the daily stuff. That's OK. We do the occasional holiday. But now, with university the day job for both kids, I'm still left with the kids going to their fathers for all of the holidays. Suddenly I feel like I'm left with nothing but a 2 hour lunch/shop trip and conversation that a stranger would do better. I don't disturb too much during term time mindful of study and friends. So I'm left with this. It feels like a cruel joke. It feels empty.
My life/child/parent/life balance is all out of kilter and it makes the tears run down my face like rivers.
Of course I dream of reaching for the bottle to soothe and block out the pain.
I mutter that I might like a glass of wine. My lovely husband, not the father of my children, squeezes my hand and tells me gently that whilst it might help for a while, it changes nothing. Through tear filled eyes I nod. He loves me.
I can't sleep, the ideas to make the future more cohesive for me and my offspring. We're still a family my mind screams. What now.
So rather than drink a bottle or two or three of red wine, here I am, nestled in the sofa (can't sleep), wrapped in a duvet. Writing. Not drinking.
Single parenting, remarrying and new families all round, whilst happier, filled with adventures. Sometimes sucks. Especially in the holidays, where no balance is yet found.
Catch you tomorrow lovelies. Sober. That's something eh.
Right now I feel like drinking, so badly. My brains wrecking itself to find the answer, find the balance of why another family should enjoy mine. Selfish I know.
I need to find a way to move forward that doesn't involve drinking and constantly letting other peoples happiness, come before my own. And balance in my new sober life.