Sunday, 14 December 2014

Day 71 - letting go

Tonight has been one of the hardest not to just stop and grab the nearest bottle of wine, throw off the top and guzzle until it just stops hurting. I might be sounding melodramatic, salty tears fall down my face frequently today. Why is it so hard. What can I do to make it better.

I meet my daughter for a pre-christmas catch up. We arrive an hour before we're due to see her, she arrives late. Teenage time keeping. We swap pleasant enough conversation. The kind that is familiar yet, newly crackling with egg shells underfoot. Dare I ask for more I think, dare I ask for more than dribbles shared with the likes of the milk man? No says the voice, don't scare her away. The dance of the teenager newly left home and the mother who's not quite sure why it has to be so hard.

We share food, talking about nothing.

We shop for a few xmas presents and a brief glimmer of the girl I know peeks out, only for a second, then she's gone.

And, as quick as the conversation turns from hats to travel, she decides its time to leave. Merry Xmas and safe travels I say. Of course she says. Bye.

I don't quite know when it got to a couple of hours and goodbyes. I don't quite know when that became enough. She's well and truly out of my life at the moment and the pain in searing.

My children have always gone to their fathers for the holidays, I did the daily stuff. That's OK. We do the occasional holiday. But now, with university the day job for both kids, I'm still left with the kids going to their fathers for all of the holidays. Suddenly I feel like I'm left with nothing but a 2 hour lunch/shop trip and conversation that a stranger would do better. I don't disturb too much during term time mindful of study and friends. So I'm left with this. It feels like a cruel joke. It feels empty.

My life/child/parent/life balance is all out of kilter and it makes the tears run down my face like rivers.

Of course I dream of reaching for the bottle to soothe and block out the pain.

I mutter that I might like a glass of wine. My lovely husband, not the father of my children, squeezes my hand and tells me gently that whilst it might help for a while, it changes nothing. Through tear filled eyes I nod. He loves me.

I can't sleep, the ideas to make the future more cohesive for me and my offspring. We're still a family my mind screams. What now.

What indeed.

So rather than drink a bottle or two or three of red wine, here I am, nestled in the sofa (can't sleep), wrapped in a duvet. Writing. Not drinking.

Single parenting, remarrying and new families all round, whilst happier, filled with adventures. Sometimes sucks. Especially in the holidays, where no balance is yet found.

Catch you tomorrow lovelies. Sober. That's something eh.

Right now I feel like drinking, so badly. My brains wrecking itself to find the answer, find the balance of why another family should enjoy mine. Selfish I know. 

I need to find a way to move forward that doesn't involve drinking and constantly letting other peoples happiness, come before my own. And balance in my new sober life.


  1. I'm a complete stranger sending you lots of good wishes and congratulations for the bravery and self-recognition. Well done raising such an independent daughter (even if, and especially if, it stings right now).

    1. Thank you lovely stranger. I'm so proud of the independance I really am.

      I don't feel brave if you could see these big swollen eyes, def stingy the now.

      Thanks a lot for posting. I appreciate it.

  2. oh big big hugs to you. shit unfortunately helps us grow but at the time it sucks big time. as I found out last week, you need bad crap to make us realise when we are in the good stuff. god its hard being human. you are awesome and you WILL AND ARE OK.
    hugs from nz

    1. Hey there Lisa thank you for posting. I really appreciate it. Sober love ladened on today like a beast. I thank you for being so kind and hope your heart is safe. x

  3. Morning Daisy. All I can say to try to help ease your pain is sometimes we change and we expect others to change too. For our outside reality to match our inside wishes - but we cannot control others, only ourselves. The Serenity Prayer springs to mind. Big hug lovely :) xx

    1. Thank you Lucy it really did help, I knew it, but forget often to remind myself of it, perhaps I should write it out in my note book. Hugs x

  4. Daisy, I can only imagine what you're going through and all I can say is that you are one awesome mother. Letting our babies go free is the hardest of things. You are enormously loving and strong and they're lucky to have you championing them. Sending huge hugs from Bea x

    1. I don't feel strong Bea, i feel so weak and humble. I want to be an awesome mum but sometimes worry they don't realise its not that I dont' want to see them, be with them, but I know their other family needs them too. Thank you for being so kind and saying such nice things. I love and I know I'm loved, one confused husband today, checking in on me. Its nice to be able to express this stuff without the wine and horrible to lean into it. But, I guess it needs done. Thank you.

  5. wishing you well