So mostly, I don't know about all of you my life feels sometimes I a bit like this. Kinda balanced but fucked if it all goes wrong. Like big time buggered.
For me the relationships around me, like many of us, the folks I love, folks I care about, folks in general, to me, are hugely important. Getting sober has made me see I do far more precarious balancing with my own feeling, time, life and emotions than is possibly good for me. That's been a hard lesson to learn. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an utter wonder-lass martyr, I mean I use Auntie Bessies roast tatties on occasion just like any other person. But, I'm beginning to see that my balancing act was well held up by this fella and his well known sister chardonnay.
Again its been a challenging week with one of my kids (the female one, if you were wondering). I'm bordering between speechless and hysterical at some of the treatment I've been getting. Fear not I'm silently hysterical, no one knows if they've hurt me. I don't know why. I guess I don't trust enough to share these type of emotions freely.
Yes I realise that I need to let go, but honestly mothers have feelings too sweetheart. We are but people who are genetically disposed to caring for your well being, despite the crap you lob at us. We have crap resistant skin, clothes and a good washing machine.
And here what I realised in the grocery shop today snivelling after a therapy session in which I was told 'this seems to be causing you a lot of emotional pain'. Yup, I guess the snot gave it away, eh? I'm not being obtuse I promise. I wanted to say 'no shit sherlock'. I'm angry and raw. But, I'm not rude. But, yes, I agreed, this (relationship) right now, today, is causing me a lot of pain. A lot. Yes I want to pour wine on my head. Yes. Even now. But, I didn't. And, I won't. Not today.
Later, after the session, as I strolled around sainsbugs looking like someone in the height of a severe hayfever fit, I was hit by an epiphany so many conflicting up and down thoughts. Thoughts, firing at me quicker, and as elastic as the threads holding the the ups and downs of a decent tarts knickers, it suddenly hit me.
No one is worth losing my sober over. Not even, (and in some way's I'm ashamed to say this) not even, and especially NOT, emotional turmoils and ups and downs. Not even hot searing, confusing, tearful emotions due to the actions of the people around me, not even by my own daughter. Yes I need balance, yes I need to find a way to deal with these raw, hurtful, worthless, (sometimes) angry feelings. But I can only do that sober.
Like this big pile of rocks I found on the beach a while back, I need a balance. And, I need to protect my emotional self now that its not balanced on a bottle of wine (or two).
No one, even the deepest souls in my heart is worth losing my sober for. I'm worth so much more than hurtful words or actions that make me feel worthless. I have to protect myself and my sober. I'm worth caring for and saving. I'm worth kind words and loving thoughts.
So there. I matter. ME, that's right ME.
And yes, I'm just realising this, age 46 and a half and a bit.
I need to set boundaries, or, dear hearts, they won't get it. And, practise what I preach.
Thanks for listening!