|Sixty Three Days no booze!|
Hey, well 9 weeks with no booze I like to stop once a week and think of all the things I should be happy about, look at the small things I am grateful for and celebrate my sober week. So,that's 63 bottles of wine, undrunk in this body. In this house. That's the least I would have drank so I have saved AT LEAST £ 315 if I'm chucking £5/bottle wine over my head. So I made my number out of the roses I bought as a sober treat a few weeks ago. I like seeing my number. Today my number is 63. Sixty-three whole days sober. I'd never have thought that would be possible. Wowser. I really like seeing this number, and my number everyday. I'm obsessed! I did a whole thing with kitchen utensils was it wasn't nearly so pretty! So you got rose numbers instead.
|Sober treat flowers bursting into life!|
|Early morning sober sunrises!|
|Walks on beaches after therapy session.|
Back to my weekly therapy session this week, I upped the treats and prepared myself for the potential upset of opening up in the session. This week was easier, we ramped it down a bit and whilst I still left the session with an overall sense of loss in my life, some parental, some as a child, some as an adult, it was easier to talk about. What's apparent to me, is that I feel a sense of wanting to be 'seen', like someone holding up a big 'PICK ME, I'M HERE' sign up on tattered cardboard. Like the report card clutched in the air on the way home from school, waving, unseen by the bodies glued to the television in your life. Worthless.
I'm not sure I deserve to be seen or be happy, I have so much guilt, so much pragmatic belief in fixing everyone around me. Sometimes I think I'm trying to be a House Elf * (invisible hand) in my own existence. I scurry and mend, and provide, and fix and wash and clean. Its my job, don't look at me, I'm just here on the edge of happiness, skirting around the happy family, like a thief waiting to be found out. An interloper in my own life. On the outside, peeking in, hoping no one sends me home. If I do enough, fix enough, help enough, make life nice enough, they might let me stay, this family of mine. Of course in many ways I feel voicing this is ludicrous, but this is my inner voice.
Is this what I've been silencing with booze? I don't deserve to be loved? Whaoh that's a bit heavy!
*[A house-elf (sometimes also referred to as just elves) is a magicalcreature which is immensely devoted and loyal to the one designated as their master.]
So back to the week, quickly!! I saw both my children this week, my son has left for the holidays to visit his dad. Hes recently emigrated, its an exciting trip, I whoop whooped him away through departures, taking his keys for his flat, promised to pick him up, just the usual mum stuff. Sad heart, I waved my arms off like a lunatic, no tears, not then. I'm excited, nervous and sad all at the same time. A quick message enroute from Hong Kong, makes my heart sing and my nerves calm a bit. A text when he arrives into the arms of his father lets me know I'm off the clock for a month. That's our lives. Full time full on, or full off. Single parenting whilst amazing, has its down side.
|A glimpse of son just landed in Hong Kong between flights, a quick skype conversation, with me at my breakfast in Scotland.|
My daughter initially cancelled coming home for a catch up lunch, then after saying she can't come, arrives 6 hours late for lunch. OK so I had a mini-melt down in the afternoon, emailed Belle (reaching out) through snot and tears of children away for Xmas and not seeing them. Despair central. But, I chopped wood (distract) until my arms ached. I wanted to drink and blot it all out. No wine here, until helpful neighbours arrived with gifts of wine and chocolate. So temptation central. I opened the chocolates, early xmas I tell myself. Gave the wine to my daughter for her flatmates to share. Job's a good un, but it was close. Closer than I would have liked.
|Xmas decorations out of the attic when my daughter came to visit. A precious cup of tea.|
Now, if I had done the knee-jerk drink to relieve the saddness of things, by the time she decided to un-stand me up, I'd have been rat-arsed. She doesn't need to see me like that. Thankfully she only saw me covered in sawdust and mud with a chocolate smeared guilty face. It was nice to catch up and we retrieved the xmas decorations from the attic, things a bit easier for the time she was here. I miss her so, but admire the young woman she's becoming. Although we all know she needs to see her mother more :)
|Seagull on the bonnet of a truck today, watching the couple have a cup of tea. Made me giggle.|
Two kids in one week. So much to be grateful for. Walks and chats on the beach with my husband whilst the dogs bound up and down chasing birds. I told him today, guess what its NINE WEEKS since I had some wine. I think I feel a bit better for it. Just be nice to yourself he tells me. I promise I will I tell him. That's enough words for now. We try some Thistly Cross elderflower non-alcoholic cider at a food fayre and decide that might be nice as the fizz for Xmas dinner or for a non-alcoholic alternative for folks. Sorted. I liked this weeks bubble hour on intamcy and found being 'here' and 'present' with my husband, rather than 'hungover' and 'needy/paranoid/self loathing/insert a crappy feeling here' has made me feel more connected to him. Whilst I'm not completely open, I'm honest. I told him today I thought I had a problem with moderating alcohol. Whilst we had a bit of a giggle about my ability to sniff out a good red wine at 20 paces, he listened. I was so grateful for his openess.
|The journey ahead, thankfully, still sober.|
So this ninth week of being sober, a good week, plenty tears, a tonne of snot (glamourous or what) a lot of emotion and my first drinking dream. A fair bit of walking, a good bit of self-love (not the dirty kind!!!) and self care. A bit of ponderance about why I feel so empty and alone inside, why I'm a control freak and why I think its OK so shuffle about in my own life, pretending I'm not really there, like a house elf. I said goodbye to to one of my kids and didn't slide down a bottle to hide. That's a first. Man, I have a lot of logs chopped though!!
I've also been reading lots on addiction and found Russel Brands documentary on addiction quite eyeopening. Link here if you are interested. Whilst his humour isn't to everyone's liking this video was made in 2012 when he was 9.5 years sober and clean practicing abstinence based recovery. He made an interesting comment in the film, the things he thinks that people need in society for recovery are Pragmatism, Altruism and Compassion. I found that quite moving. (Cue more tears!) As a three pronged attack I don't think they're a bad combination.
[Tomorrow a shorter post - I PROMISE!!] Thank for reading, being out there and generally being ace.
PS catching up with all your lovely comments, sorry been off PC for a day or two xx Hugs and thank you will reply to all of them.