Tuesday 16 December 2014

Day 73 - Sober balance

So mostly, I don't know about all of you my life feels sometimes I a bit like this. Kinda balanced but fucked if it all goes wrong. Like big time buggered.

For me the relationships around me, like many of us, the folks I love, folks I care about, folks in general, to me, are hugely important. Getting sober has made me see I do far more precarious balancing with my own feeling, time, life and emotions than is possibly good for me. That's been a hard lesson to learn. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an utter wonder-lass martyr, I mean I use Auntie Bessies roast tatties on occasion just like any other person. But, I'm beginning to see that my balancing act was well held up by this fella and his well known sister chardonnay. 

Again its been a challenging week with one of my kids (the female one, if you were wondering). I'm bordering between speechless and hysterical at some of the treatment I've been getting.  Fear not I'm silently hysterical, no one knows if they've hurt me. I don't know why. I guess I don't trust enough to share these type of emotions freely.

Yes I realise that I need to let go, but honestly mothers have feelings too sweetheart. We are but people who are genetically disposed to caring for your well being, despite the crap you lob at us. We have crap resistant skin, clothes and a good washing machine.

And here what I realised in the grocery shop today snivelling after a therapy session in which I was told 'this seems to be causing you a lot of emotional pain'. Yup, I guess the snot gave it away, eh? I'm not being obtuse I promise. I wanted to say 'no shit sherlock'. I'm angry and raw. But, I'm not rude. But, yes, I agreed, this (relationship) right now, today, is causing me a lot of pain. A lot. Yes I want to pour wine on my head. Yes. Even now. But, I didn't. And, I won't. Not today.

Later, after the session, as I strolled around sainsbugs looking like someone in the height of a severe hayfever fit, I was hit by an epiphany so many conflicting up and down thoughts. Thoughts, firing at me quicker, and as elastic as the threads holding the the ups and downs of a decent tarts knickers, it suddenly hit me. 

No one is worth losing my sober over.  Not even, (and in some way's I'm ashamed to say this) not even, and especially NOT, emotional turmoils and ups and downs. Not even hot searing, confusing, tearful emotions due to the actions of the people around me, not even by my own daughter. Yes I need balance, yes I need to find a way to deal with these raw, hurtful, worthless, (sometimes) angry feelings. But I can only do that sober.
Like this big pile of rocks I found on the beach a while back, I need a balance. And, I need to protect my emotional self now that its not balanced on a bottle of wine (or two).

No one, even the deepest souls in my heart is worth losing my sober for. I'm worth so much more than hurtful words or actions that make me feel worthless. I have to protect myself and my sober. I'm worth caring for and saving. I'm worth kind words and loving thoughts.

So there. I matter. ME, that's right ME.

And yes, I'm just realising this, age 46 and a half and a bit.
I need to set boundaries, or, dear hearts, they won't get it. And, practise what I preach.


Thanks for listening!


13 comments:

  1. Be selfish in your sobriety. You are worth it, to YOU, and to others, you are worth being sober.
    Hugs
    Do

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    1. Thanks Do! Really appreciate it and being selfish is something I need to practice mindfully of course but practice I do.

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  2. Ah, balance, something I've been lacking today. You are right, nothing (or no one) is worth losing your sobriety. I love your to-do list. :) Lori K xx

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  3. Balance is rough, especially during holidays. It seems to me that everyone around me is drinking and having fun. I am the one who is trying to spoil everyone's joyous holiday season. I know it is true. I know that it is mostly my overactive imagination. But it is still rough. Just like the first commenter said, we should be selfish. Let's think about what we need and want...

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    1. Anna I think that's a good idea, we do often just give away ourselves and for me then I saited my tired empty body later exhausted from my efforts. I'm not trying to spoil things either its a hard time of year for many people too. So although everyone is smiling outwards I'm sure inside its a different story. Lets think about what we want.

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  4. Daisy - sometimes you just have to sit with the emotional distress, let it wash over you like the waves on your lovely beaches and in time the waves of emotion will seem less big and crushing to your heart. You do matter and putting your sobriety first is the absolutely right thing to do. Big hug lovely xx

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    1. Thanks Lucy Its just so raw and painful right now. This time of year is hard for me I know and for other folks with split up families. Sober first, absolutely xx

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  5. Lovely post Daisy and beautifully worded. I don't know the answers but wish I could wrap you in a big bear hug and take your pain away and make you laugh. xo

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    1. Aw Prudence I'm good I promise, but I do over think and over feel things I think. The answer for me I think is to look at it all practically and set some boundaries for myself which others can respect or choose to igrore, moving forward from that one will be hard but I think, I know I'm worth it.

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  6. Being sober can give you a lot of attitude. For one, it pulls out what can be deemed as an incredible blockage, like the shunt in your daily functions, which is of course, the drinking and its after effects, that can really stand in the way of your five senses and what you either try to see or what you try to reach out to. I'm just happy for you because you have found your way to sobriety. All the best!

    Donnie Benson @ Midwest Institute for Addiction

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    1. Thank you Donnie, sober attitude sounds very honest though doesn't it.

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  7. I'm glad that sobriety is within you now. Balancing it may be difficult, but at least you are giving it your best shot. Anyway, it seems that you are deliberately staying away from the negative things you were used to do, and I really salute you for that. Thanks for sharing that, Daisy! Kudos and all the best to you!

    Johnnie Smith @ Ranch Creek Recovery

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