So we're on our first day of being sober again. I'm' hoping there aren't so many 'day 1's' but if there are its more than the back to back drinking days I've been having. So whist I'm sad I'm not on day 4, I'm glad I'm on Day 1 again. If all I do during this is reduce instead of stop, that will do to start with. That's not my defeatist voice, I'm beginning to realise that I need to stop totally, but I've fallen so many times, I think I need to accept that sometimes I'm not as strong as I hope I am. But yesterday armed with milkshakes (still no clue why) we made it through the evening, sober.
I woke up hungry. Actually gut wrenchingly, OMG I need to eat, hungry. And, I woke up at 6am. Not at the normal 3-4am desperate for a drink of water and some headache tablets, but 6am. I'm naturally a very groggy sleeper. Its one of my (previous) excuses for drinking. I sleep so heavily that waking is a curse, it takes a good while to be able to function. I've always been the same from a small child. Sleeping I like, waking up kills me. I'm not one of those 'napping' types as I feel like shit after a nap. So whilst it took me unawares I guess the groggy morning wake up me is the non-alcohol morning me. Although not getting up to hide the bottles, tidy the kitchen of any traces of drinking, rehydrate, worry about if anyone knows, worry about what I've said/done. Did he know I'd had a whole bottle, was I slurry, was I stupid, did I do anything really silly. No none of that today, just hungry.
Husband leaves around 6.45am, normally I'll get up and 'guilt' myself into the day by saying well if you're feeling crap then tough luck, up lady. Or somedays if I've had more than about 8 units (its telling that I know this stuff) I'll need to sleep again for a while. But, always the guilt. Not today. Its a blustery day and the embers of the fire were in. So today the fire was cajoled back into life, I ran out and fed the chickens (you knew I had chickens, right?), let the dogs out and then clamboured under a blanket on the sofa with some tea (and a yoghurt) and listened to the wind. I'm not guilty today.
I talked to the kids yesterday (sober), both of them. Sometimes if they want to talk into the evening I have to admit I'd resent that a bit. I love my kids I do. I don't want to talk to them when I've had a drink, that's MY time. And, I don't want them to think, is she drunk. Well its gone eight do you expect me to wait for you to finish before I have some wine? Not last night - call when you want, so it was early but still it wasn't affected by wine. My husband came home later than expected. Normally on a Sunday I'd allow myself to drink early like anytime after around 5pm. I'd bustle about and get myself comfy, organise a meal and be resentful if he was late. So I'd finish what we had in the house and suggest he could go and get me a treat. My treat is generally wine. His is chocolate. Not last night, I listened to podcasts from Belle and thought alot. We had tea when he was home, he showered and I made up the bed. We snuggled up early watching a movie.
You know I think I probably have to watch every movie I've watched in the past 20 years again. Unless I watched it in day time with the kids, I was definitely drunk at the end of all of them. Its the family joke, put a movie on and Mum falls asleep. They don't see the wine drinking, they just see me slowly get slumped down the sofa. And I think my family don't know? Really.
I tackled this one a bit last night. Dreading on having 'the talk' how do I tell him I'm trying desperately to give up. I think he's oblivious to how much I actually drink. But is it really that simple, have I manipulated so much that my family really don't know? Am I so devious?
My opening line was I was thinking of giving up wine for a bit, neutral, none of the screaming inner turmoil, matter of fact, like I was asking what he wanted for tea. Safe and cowardly.
'But you don't drink much and its your treat' he replied
'Well, I think I drink more than I should' the coward replied
'There are people who drink a lot more than you, if you want to cut down a bit that's cool'
[Inner voice is screaming, she drinks in excess of 60 units a week, some weeks over 70, she always has]
Outer [coward] voice replies, 'Well, I think I'll cut down a bit, I need to lose some weight too, I'm the heaviest I've ever been and I feel bleurgh'.
'Just do what makes you happy'
Half relieved, half ashamed I'd had the conversation with him. The half truthful conversation with him. I'm not ready to share that yet, I don't know if I ever will be. How can I make my behaviour over the past 10 years we've known each other, all false?
He supports me I know that. He just doesn't know quite how hard I'm finding it. But, its like I needed him to know I was stopping for a while. Secretly I want him to be proud of my efforts, although as he has no clue as to the extent of my drinking, I guess that's the irony.
I told my son on skype I was going to have no wine in October, there's a 'Stoptober' thing here for smoking and drinking.
His response, 'Cool, but you don't drink much anyway'.
Part relieved that he doesn't seem aware of my drinking, part shamed that I keep such secrets from them, I think that if I didn't drink, I could probably be a secret agent, or a spy or a person with a double life.
I certainly seem to have a double life going on. I regularly drink one bottle of wine a night at least sometimes more, 9 units/7 days - have done for 20 years plus. I'm terrified about what I've done to my body but I'm not sure about seeing a Dr. I'm scared. Quitting makes me scared too, they say you can have side-effects, to moderate cutting down, but I'm crap at moderation. Its scary, my Dad died at 53 and I'm 46 and a half.
I'm having a 'wine free night' with a dear chum who's really struggling at the moment. She knows how much I drink, she drinks a similar amount, most of my 'inner circle' do.
Maybe that's why we are friends,
If I manage to change this time, even a bit, I hope we stay friends. I've had mixed responses to my stopping drinking in the past. Not all of it happy and supportive, so we'll see.
Happy Monday, no hangover.
Sober girl, Sober Wife, Sober Mum
If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.