So I caught myself smiling today. I need to remind myself of that later, when grumpy. I smiled. I was happy. Come wine-o-clock I'll likely be a grumpy moo again, but for a while there I caught myself being happy. Not grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat, but the corners of my mouth were actually turning upwards......I left the house really early, picked up my car, had breakfast out and went to a lecture on Algae. Plants are my thing, so for once, I got my sorry backside out and attended something, in the morning, not hungover. I collected pine cones for the wood fires at home, I had some 'me' time in a large teaching garden. I'm seeming to find I'm feeling good early, and then I diminish into grumps when the wine monster appears. So, when I'm grumpy later I, with the wine-bells clanging, I thought I'd remind myself of things that are improving. In no particular order......
I'm taking at least an hour, one whole hour for 'sober stuff', its MY time, no interruptions, no distractions and man if I don't get some 'sober thinking time' I'm crabbit. So that time seems to be important. I'm focused and happy in that hour.
There appears to be more money in my purse. OK so I didn't spend much more than £5/day on wine that's still (counts on fingers and toes) £150 ish a month £1800 in a year on booze, that's a holiday and a bloody good one! But its not just THAT money I'm seeing more in my pocket/bank account. Its the money on the 'excuse food' I use to put in the basket rather than just look like I was buying wine. Some nights that be £10-15 maybe more in total in the basket, just to 'hide' the wine purchase. So I'm quids in, of money I didn't have, but hey I'm not spending it.
My waistline and weight has stopped going UP and OUT. OK so its not gone down but Rome wasn't built in a day.
I might be calmer. OK so the inner turmoil is still there, but its maybe 'quieter'.
I have NO paranoia. Aside the usual crap I think about life, no BOOZE PARANOIA.
I've worked productively this week. I'm still doing the minimum, as I've done for ages but I'm not avoiding work. I don't have the avoiding work guilt head on.
I've volunteered this week and engaged with my local community. No paranoia.
I went shopping at wine-o-clock and went to the juice aisle and bought some really lovely cordial, I did not go in the wine aisle. Progress.
I'm there for my kids and my hubby whenever. Not just before 6pm.
I drove in the evening and I'm driving again tonight, I'm going to the opening of an exhibition. I'm not just drinking every night, and turning down invites.
I'm not waking up in the middle of the night sweating and dry mouthed, thumping headache. My sleep is better, if it does take a while, well I know I'll get there eventually.
I've told ONE close friend I've been sober for 19 days. That's a start. She's visiting at the weekend and I've told her I'm NOT drinking. I've told her I CAN'T drink. She's cool with that.
We've visitors for tea tomorrow and I've said we're not drinking in October, so if you want anything alcoholic bring your own. So I'm not buying extra wine for me and them and more for me because I can get away with it. They seemed cool with that too. Is this the start (I hope) of sober socialising?
So when the whiney-wine-o-clock wolf appears later tonight, and he helps me to stick my grumpy pants on me, remind me I wrote this. For now I'm off to enjoy the blogs/forums and audios' which are keeping me going. I've a video to watch from lucy - thank you. I'm liking my 'sober hour', I need it to focus and extend the happiness.
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.