|All becomes clear below.......|
The universe thought it would be great to watch me throw eggs over the cooker as I made myself a lovely late breakfast. I burst into tears, sticky scrambled eggs everywhere. Then I laughed and found a cloth. Really you're going to cry about eggs? I scooped up what was left in the pan and ate in the garden in sunshine. Yesterday I did a bit of reading about those spider veins on my face. The drinking veins. You can have them corrected, but until I stop drinking for good, there's really no point, is there. So yesterday I was home alone, so whilst they upset me, I didn't cover them up, they got some autumn sunshine. It was a conscious effort to leave the foundation and the make up off, I don't wear much but I wanted to see 'my face'. A few years ago those veins weren't there. Now, they're expanding and increasing slowly. When I first found them I stopped drinking for a day. Convinced I'd got advanced liver disease (gotta love the internet for diagnosis) and my face was a secondary sign.
Of course then I read that you can get spider veins for loads of reasons, I'm a kinda of celtic colouring (reddish hair and freckles) that skin type is prone to them too. So I started to drink again telling myself it was unlikely to be the alcohol. No surprise they've got so much worse? So yesterday my skin was naked on my face, for me to see. Not hidden. I'm ashamed of my naked face, for what I might have done to it. But, I've promised it I've changed.
Whilst I kept busy outside yesterday it seemed crazy that I drank. I enjoyed the garden and life so much more without the guilt. I had the day planned, a bit of work, a bit of garden, a hot bath, a frock and a nice dinner with my husband. Most of that worked. But it didn't really go to plan.
We had dinner, that was nice. And, then, as always, I asked him if he was going to have some time in his music room, I'd say studio but its a bedroom full of guitars, its 'his space', mines is the garden. So we parted I was going to read but then friends were texting/skyping. So instead of taking care of me, I was there for them. Normally this is the way, but normally I'm drinking. So I want him, 'away' to have 'his time' whilst I have mine. So I can drink in private.
He came back after an hour or so and I was engrossed in texting a friend and skyping my daughter via text. I don't normally talk, I don't want her to think I've been drinking so I always skype by text at night. I was a sober Mum yesterday we planned that I'd go visit her at university and bring some bits for her and a fold down bed for her pal coming to stay. My relationship with my daughter right now is not great. She's 18 and a year or so ago something switched in her head and I went from being the centre of her universe to being all things (I'd say evil, but that's too harsh) unwanted, too strict, too opinionated, too 'mum-ish'. So that relationship is very tricky and whilst I want to cry 'what have I done', I keep calm and cool and aloof and say 'if you need a help I'm here'. It kills me, but we've all agreed she needs space.
So I put on a nice frock, we ate a nice dinner and we connected and as always, I shoo'ed my hubby off to his man cave for some 'me time'. Although this time I asked for chocolate, not wine, on his way home. Then my obsession technology proceeded to distract the evening. Not to support me, but like my old routine to talk to folks further away, like I always do, without the wine this time.
I wonder how much I did this to him? I'm sober we have dinner. Then he's shoo'd off to have 'his space' whilst I drink. We then tuck down on the sofa, him happy and relaxed, me drunk and hiding it. He watches TV, I snuggle in and sleep, or drink more.
Last night we didn't connect after dinner. Is it like that for him most nights? Normally I'd not notice, too fixed on my wine. Is he as lonely as I felt last night/felt today. I should have loved the one I was with instead of being sucked into texting. OK we both know the daughter stuff is tricky but last night was our night, I should have respected that.
I slept badly. Whilst I think the first night I slept well due to a hangover, last night and the night before I slept badly. Wine knocks me out, without it I'm hearing every sound as I try to get to sleep. I hear his breathing (OK so sometimes its snoring :P). And then the voice in my head started and it didn't stop. It might as well have started like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Instead of 'Here's Johnny', it whispers, 'Here's Wolfie.' [Who I'd really hoped, didn't exist, despite hearing him previously, I was trying to be in denial.]
It said 'So, this is what you want, to lie awake all night listening to this. Its not worth it. You were good today, but if you have some wine, you'll soon sleep. You deserve to sleep, you worked hard today. No wine, its not worth it, just have one, it will help you sleep'. Like I'm going to start drinking at 2am. The voice replied 'You have before, it helps you sleep, just have one. There's wine in the cupboard you can always replace it [again].....'.
Meh leave me alone. And, don't mention the bloody eggs, OK.
So a bad nights sleep, feeling totally unconnected to my partner, who lets be frank probably feels like this every night as I 'sleep' on the sofa beside him sodden in wine. Today I feel alone. I know you're all out there, I know he's here, but I feel alone.
We promised to switch off the technology tonight and have some 'time'. I need to love the one I'm with, whilst those around me I love dearly, for a few hours of a night, its our time, mine and his. He often goes biking early evening and I decline, part laziness, part it encroaches on my 'wine time' Maybe I'll come with him tonight, I owe him that.
I need to find a way of being with him that doesn't involve drinking and allows me to sleep despite the noises of the other human being I love.
More exercise today I think, maybe a long walk. I need to be tired to sleep, not blotto.
My naked face agrees. I promised to take it to the beach today.
Yesterday I was a sober girl, a sober mum and a sober wife. Even if things didn't entirely go to plan.
Bring on day 4, unchartered territory. I'm scared but hopeful and will keep busy.
If you've got this far, thanks for reading.
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.