Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Day 17 - Tea and toenails

Why is it when we know something is bad for us, we want it more? Like wine? For most of yesterday I was trying to make sure I didn't buy wine. Its like I'm pre-programmed like some cyber-wino to seek it out at all instances. Whilst I know I'm better rested, less paranoid and calmer since I've stopped drinking for those days I have been, my head is still seeking out wine. At 10 am whilst the day was starting I was planning how to avoid the stuff later. I had a bath, scrappy toenails looked at me. Must take better care of myself I told the toenails. Give us a good paint and you'll feel better. (Yes I talk to my toenails aside the dogs and the chooks there's not much talking to be done here.) Its work time, I remind them. I forget of course that I'm in the bath during this time. There are some advantages of working at home, and some disadvantages. For me I can often put off work for most of the day, feel like shit and then drink. I forget the work, feel worse the next day with a hangover, tell myself I'll work later. The cycle continues. A seven hour working week can last me the whole week as I feel worse and worse about my procrastination, my wine drinking gets worse.

So, I told my toenails they could wait until later, when it wasn't work time, and to stop sabotaging my day. I'd planned to work in the morning and then at 'bells-o-clock' when the wine shouts the loudest I scheduled a work meeting via phone. That should shut up the wine wolf I told myself.

As it transpired, . I didn't manage to get my work done at bell's-o-clock because we got delayed at the garage dropping off cars. Home late, stove out, no chance of making the meeting, I called and rescheduled the chat for an hour later. My grumps and groans went to full on 'only wine can calm your head'.  I cooked, something a bit more complicated than normal, kept my hands busy.

So, I put myself under house arrest, we have chocolate we don't need wine, I told myself.  I skyped my son. I called the work colleague a little later, she didn't mind. We settled down to dinner, watched some TV and an unexpected visitor turned up, thankfully with no wine, whilst I was through the worst of it, I could easily of caved in. She was driving, which of course is sensible, we live in the middle of nowhere, no public transport, you have to drive. 

So, if I'd been my normal drinking, the meeting would have been cancelled, I'd have asked my son to skype tomorrow. If I'd been drinking normally, I'd have been pretty much half way down if not all the way down the wine bottle before she arrived. And, I'd have cooked, but nothing as nice as we had.

She left after an hour, full of tea and chat. The toenails got my full attention, no nail polish on the rug this time. They quietened down too. I saw the end of a movie. Tidied the kitchen, let the dogs out and settled down to sleep.

I'm enjoying sleep although its hard to get off to sleep still. I guess its about time I found a new book to read. Someone online challenged me to think of the sober me, what's she like.  There's something to ponder.

Is this how smokers feel, constantly wanting cigarettes? I've never had much time for 'addiction' until now I've never really believed it to be true, just lack of discipline or weak nature. Was I wrong?

This isn't easy. I realise I'm pretty weak and undisciplined. But, I'm still not sure about addiction, its me who buys the wine. And, 18 days in, I don't trust myself around it. Evil little f***r. 

I realise I've gone from thinking I won't drink, to I can't. I just can't.

Sober mum, skype support for rent application forms, took the girls car to the garage too. :)
Sober wife made a lovely supper and tucked him in for once when he was snoring.
Sober girl had a nice chat with a chum and did the work she scheduled for the day, even if it was delayed slightly.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.


  1. It's not about you being weak and undisciplined - booze changes the brain chemistry so we seek out wine like we need it for our very survival. If you want to watch a great presentation about it you can here: xx

  2. Thanks for the linkie, I'm off to watch this now. I've never considered 'addiction' a real thing before. That's my issue, I need to be more open. So, I'm off to watch.

    1. So now I'm off trying to find papers on addiction studies in mice and dophamine, lack of it in folks etc. Thank you Lucy! What a different perspective. As a scientist (non medical) I'm keen to read more and see the to goggle. Thank you. Pesky mid-brain an its hedonistic button switched onto full speed.