Friday, 17 October 2014

Day 12 - New beginnings and earthworms and embracing life

Me, embracing life, a while back.
Well, yesterday was a blast. I ran out the door in frenzy, to a new beginning at a local teaching centre. OK, so its only voluntary work, but I got somewhere by 9am and with no hangover. Amazing. I actually embraced life and learnt some stuff about Darwin and about earthworms. I love nature and learning more about it.

OK, the nerves were still there, but not the  normal paranoia and guilt. That felt nice. I was competent and capable. I also made sure I had breakfast before I went. I've been trying to get this volunteering off the ground since I moved, but my wine induced 'meh' with outside life hadn't let me push for it. So when I decided to stop drinking, I also decided I needed to write some stuff down about what I wanted to improve or gain, if I stopped drinking. The list looked a bit like this. Some of it is internal stuff, some material. That's OK, its my wish list.

Embrace life
A job, part time if possible. One of the ways to get this is to do some voluntary work. It gets my face into the right 'places'and puts me around 'likeminded folks' with similar interests.
Set up my own business (?) will that make me happy? I have confidence issues.
My book moved forward (its been in my head for a while)
Healthier me
Happier me
Engaged with friends and society, community, not looking inward.
To be a good friend
A tidy house
An uncluttered head
A clear face, those lines gone (vanity, but it affects my self confidence)
Pride - I want my family to be proud of me
Less flab :)
Another PhD? I drank my way through the last one quite spectacularly.
Travel more
A radio
A gazebo for the veg garden
A new bed (seen a gorgeous on in Ikea)
A garden bench
A pair of slippers
A new polo neck
A winter coat

Happiness came up a lot in my list. As did some material things, to show myself if I had the money I spent on wine, what I could do with it.

You can't buy happiness. Now I'm not sure if I've always been miserable (inside, I'm a happy person, it jumps out when I write (other stuff, not this whining stuff!). I'm contageously happy outside myself, I'm a positive person, I'm bouncy and happy. But the inside me isnt, never has been. The alone me isn't a happy person. And, for some reason in my head, that's the me I identify with drinking. Because I don't really understand why I drink.

I shouldn't need to. I'm loved, I'm warm, I have food. So am I miserable, or do I drink to keep myself miserable?

Something to ponder.

One of the biggest non-drinking things I'd been dreading was getting my period (sorry if TMI) I run to the hills for red wine and chocolate, once  a month I am a monster of depression (and if you'd read the past few days, you can see where this is going).  So yesterday it arrived. Explains the grry-no wine the night before I guess. And, today I feel fine. Who knew.

No red wine needed. Although I did find the winter punch Lucy mentioned (thanks Lucy!) and I'm armed with chocolate, just in case.

Yesterday a sober girl starting out a new chapter for work. I also went to my fiction writing class, not counting down the time to leave so I could get some wine.

Sober mum, frantic son needing a lab report reviewed, all done, no resentment about the time of night and the deadline. It didn't interfere with my drinking and I was happy to help.

Sober wife, planning a weekend escape with her husband to celebrate our up-coming anniversary this weekend. First sober weekend away for me in 25 years. I'm looking forward to it.

Thanks for reading. I'm two weeks sober tomorrow. £70 quids worth of wine not drunk, who knows how much other money spent on rubbish too. Maybe I should look at something on that silly list I have. New slippers........?

Today I'm not sad, whilst this feeling won't stay forever, I'm not sad deep inside myself. If that's what having no wine will do for me, I think, I must remember that when I'm feeling weak.

Happy Weekend when it comes. If I'm awol, I'll be in the forest where we got married last year, talking to the earthworms and embracing life. I do that a lot, only when sober.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.


  1. Hello
    You are doing great. That pms depression sucks. Big hug from me as I've been there.
    Happiness in in you. You just need to remember that! It will come as you get further from the booze. It truly does cloud over our inner joy.

    Try not to overs heddle yourself. And remember HALT. avoid getting hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Those are danger zones for relapse and poor decision.

    I know I struggle with hungry. Feeding everyone else I often forget me!!!

    You are doing it!


    1. The PMS stuff does suck doesn't it. I'm hoping there is happiness in there. I'm a happy person until the wolf comes along. HALT I learnt about a while back and thought it made perfect sense. As a single parent I was often all of those most days. I remember asking someone what if you're always Lonely and Tired. Hungry I can solve, Angry sometimes but Tired and Lonely were my real catalyst. I'm learning to sleep and take rests (weird, why didn't I think of this before) and of course all of you out there, the internet makes us all connectable. Which helps with the loneliness, Thanks for popping in Anne. Much appriecate it.

  2. Great stuff Daisy :) Glad you found and liked the winter punch - reminds me I need to restock! 12 days is fab and happy to see that you are seeing some of the benefits already which makes it easier xx

    1. Its lovely thanks for mentioning it. I'm still scared but right now, I'm trying to keep on track. Much appreciate the pop in, thanks so much!

  3. PS I thought to myself today. Was I sober in that photo up there, yes. Was I hungover, yes. A trip to an amazing beach in the wilds and I'm hungover, as usual. Not next time I've promised myself.