Tuesday, 7 October 2014

Day 2 - again, same old, or new me?

So here we are again, Day 2 sober, we've had many Day 2's. Normally this is where we feel better and we drink. That's the 'royal' we of course. I don't expect anyone else do be throwing wine down their throat tonight. And, I won't be either. Its easy to have resolve at 9am, give me til 5-6ish however. Previously I've hidden my keys, got into my pj's, hidden my purse, left my purse at work. I mean how old am I, three? I have to sabotage myself to not buy wine. Seriously.

So I didn't sleep well, (sorry this is my space to whine after all :P) I went passed tired, himself was up late and as we're 'newly' living together, there's a sense of doing a few evening things together. We also ate late, maybe 9.30pm. Although its unusual, it gave me time to go online and join another sober forum and say hi. I'm trying everything, reading, online, podcasts, I'll take it all if it works.

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that this month, I'm concentrating on me. Just me and I have the luxury to do that, I've moved, I have a very small amount of paid work (7 hours) and whilst I'm not an alien, I've no connections here yet aside my own long standing circle of friends, the nearest of which is a 45 minute drive away. The kids are both resettled at university so there's no immediate pressure from them either. So I'm new in town, I'm relatively free with my time and I have the luxury of focusing on me.

Of course last week, in despair this was, no one is here, so I'll just drink of an evening, I'll feel shitty all day, because I can and there's no one here. What does it matter.

I'm trying to prove to myself that 'I' matter. Which will be a bit of an uphill battle but hey, we've got the time to try and wrestle that negative destructive part of my brain and gaffa tape its loud mouth firmly shut. I think Belle calls it 'Wolfie' that bad voice in your head. 

So my voice goes like this.......Its Tuesday, I'll drink, I've been working hard, I deserve a drink. Life's been shit, I'll get a bottle of wine, that will make it all better. You think of an excuse and I'll wonder when/how we can start drinking. I never drank during the day before and since moving I have a few times, that scares me. I've all the time in the world to drink now, currently I could as much as I want. That's scary its like being let lose in wine factory and getting told - crack on, help yourself, it doesn't matter, no one needs you today. Life's rubbish remember, they're all gone. Previously I'd say argh works to hard, kids too hard, pressure is too hard, single parenting is too hard, studying is too hard, I need a drink to switch my head off, I'm so overwhelmed/lonely/stressed/overworked/unhappy.

So guess what, life isn't shit and I'm still drinking. Am I utterly mental or what. Now I feel guilty that we have a nice life, so I drink. Honestly if the sky turns blue, I might have an excuse to drink too.

We've moved to a gorgeous new wee cottage, starting married life together, we're all (the kids and I) closer in distance than we were before and they're happy, I have chickens, I have dogs to walk, I have (finally) my own garden to cultivate and design, there are beaches to walk on and coasts nearby to explore, this area is stunning. And, yet what do I do? I drink, everyday, feel crapper and crapper. There is something clearly wrong with me.

People talk about folks being 'allergic' to alcohol, I don't know what I think about that, it makes a kinda sense. I'm not sure I get 'addiction' (says the one bottle of wine a day lady). I've always thought if folks wanted to stop (anything) they just stop. Says the bottle of wine a day lady. Truth is, I've never wanted to stop before I guess. I've thought I've needed too, but now being thrown into a new life where I can choose life or to lose life through drinking wine everyday, I want to choose life.

That's scary. I know so many folks who seem to have an 'off' switch when it comes to drinking, I don't seem to have one. I'm quite an obsessive person. I can't just dip in and out of things. My greatest passion (aside my family) is plants. So I couldn't just read a book or two, no I've been to classes and more classes and then to university and then another course, then another one, then a masters, then did a PhD. Obsessive. Its crazy. At the end of it all, I'm the same, I just like flowers am I using these bloody qualifications right now, no, I prefer to drink. That's insanity. I tell myself its bad luck, I've not found a niche yet, I'm not confident enough, I can't take a proper job cos of the family. Erm the family are gone, love. My latest excuse is that the dogs need me home, I can't possibly find a proper job. The dogs need me, really, as they sleep most of the day, as you sleep through your hangover, I'm sure they'd be fine if you find a job - or *bazinga* if you decide to actually get of your backside and either take a job OR work at home. You could do that you know. Nope you prefer to drink, that makes you feel safe. And, people scare you, remember, so best just drink, alone.

Do certain personality types drink compulsively? Or is it genetic? I think there's been work done on that. My father was an alcoholic, so that might make sense. A lot of research suggests women of my kind of age can use wine as a coping mechanism, not excuses here, just pondering. Who knows. All I know is that I don't have an off switch, I've probably done a fair bit of damage to my body, I'm hoping the damage to my family/relationships isn't bad or permanent, I've always functioned, always got up, always been there, but probably on my terms I'm beginning to see. 

I need to change that's for sure. And by the way, this needing to drink sweet, sickly milkshakes around 'wine o' clock' what's that all about. I could hear the wine bells and so I made a huge jug of it and scooped it down. I'm a lunatic.

But we knew that already right. So for today I'm promising myself I won't drink. I'm scared when I start to socailise later in the month we've a friend staying (she stayed off the wine last night too, hooray!) but we're big drinkers together. She'll bring wine, I've asked her not to bring gin. I get buzzed up quicker and drink far more, far quickly. I'm saying this now, lets see what my resolve is like. I want to stop drinking, so when she's here, I want to respect that fact that she wants to drink, that's her choice.

I won't be guilted into joining her and I'm sure she wouldn't do that anyway. But that will be tough.

Enough of my moaning. Any day three tips, please share, otherwise I might drown in milkshakes.

You see still positive, even though my skin looks like shit. I'll drink more water.

Yesterday, Day 2 I was a sober girl, a sober mum and a sober wife. I'm happy about that. 

If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.


  1. Morning Daisy! Lots of questions from you - that's normal :) Child of an alcoholic here too. Milkshake is fine as long as it's not wine (& I just made a rhyme ;) Wolfie gets louder as we try to stop so drown him out with whatever it takes (except alcohol obvs) Engage all sober tools - Soberistas, Belle, Booze Free Brigade Yahoo and Facebook, Living Sober - oodles of sober communities out there. Have a bath, go to bed early, stuff your face, read sober lit and recovery books, watch recovery films, put you first. Focus on today and don't worry about tomorrow. Will be rooting for you :)

  2. Morning! Hello and thanks for posting. Another sober start today, although I'm a bit 'meh-ish'. You're reply cheered me up. Funny the first image I found was for alcoholic milkshakes. Doh, really?? Nice rhyme! Wolfie, who's been a bit quiet of late was screaming at me from about 2am til who know's when last night when I thought, HA! I'm doing so well. Had a look at the links you sent and joined a few. I'm not on facebook, but maybe I should be, will ponder that. I listened to Belle in the bath after a full on afternoon in the garden lugging stuff. Made a nice tea, kept a chum company who was AF via text. Thanks for rooting for me. I had such a great plan yesterday then I had all the voices all night. Thankfully I was half a sleep. Too many questions churning about in my head. Thanks for letting me know that's normal. Have a great day. And thanks again for popping over.