Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Day 23 - Angry

My drinking buddy left yesterday and whilst it was good to see her, I did get a bit p***d off at her drinking. Maybe it was jealousy who knows. We're OK, we're always OK, but I have to put my hands up and admit I was annoyed. Although I understood, she is drinking and I am not. I'm still acting like a petulant child. People drinking makes me angry. What's that all about, sour milk, jealousy? Who knows, but I'm angry.

I've been reading so much about how you stop focusing on not-drinking eventually. I nearly slipped up last night. Hungry out all day picking up my daughters car, the only thing that stopped me buying wine was the lack of money. There was a tiny voice in my head telling me that it won't make it better, drinking wine. But, I wanted some. I've been aware of how HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired) affects me for a while, SoberChick puts it beautifully here. I'm only two strikes in (Hungry and Angry) so I call my son on Skype and stuffed a sandwich in my face, the minute I'm home.

I told myself I could drink later if I wanted to. Maybe tomorrow if I was really needing to drink.
I had a snack and started dinner.
I skyped my son.
I had a bath, with a candle, hark at me, all taking care of myself.
I washed my hair.
I put on my pjs.
I nearly got dressed again but I didn't.
We ate dinner.
I nearly got dressed again but I didn't.
I scanned some documents for my son to email, had a chat on f/b with a chum.

As I was scanning his documents, a sober friend also emailed, out of the blue asking me some things about work, how I'd managed to work when I was drinking. As I was typing away the stress of the day, the cravings, who knows what they were, evaporated. When you're typing about how you hid your drinking at work, how you managed it, what you did, how you coped it puts it into hard facts. 

I told her, I functioned. I didn't live, I didn't raise hell. I functioned my way through those years and those opportunities. My inner voice is telling me, I could have been so much more. Well, we'll see, todays a new day.

I know this, I don't want to just function anymore. I'm already seeing small changes in my reactions/thoughts about being more involved, engaged in life. That's nice.

Today I'm not stressed as I did manage to get those documents sorted for my son and by chance, luck, good fortune, I saw the sober email and replied, that took me through it all. Let me tell you, I realised this, I have a whole HEAP of stuff I've not done for myself/our house/life that I find too overwhelming and I put off. Maybe if I did some of them rather than put them off, that voice of overwhelm in my head would stop for a bit. Today, I've told myself, I'll write that list. Its raining, so why not. I don't want to just function anymore. I'd like more.

Oh and I've lost 2lbs. As my exercise is limited to a quick dog walk at the moment, surely that's got to be from lack of booze?

Sober girl - got a day bed dismantled (all by herself) and packed up for her friends teenager to take home. Huge hug for my chum too. Her choice to drink, I need to remember that.

Sober wife, lovely dinner on the table, bath waiting, surely I get brownie points for this?

Sober Mum, brought the girls car home no fears about being over the limit the day after. Did some admin for my son and had a good natter.

PS I've also promised myself I'll stop whining and focus on the positives soon! You'll be glad to read that.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.


  1. You're not whining at all and well done on staying the course with your friend staying - that would have been a monumental test for me! HALT - so true :) xx

    1. It was a huge test, I was so mad, I love her but (excuse my swearing) why did I send her so many mixed messages FFS. I'm a sofa wine drinker, rarely drink out in public so it was hard. HALT is something I learnt a while back but as I said to the person who told me it, if you're hungry/angry/lonely/tired all the time like many folks are, how do you break that. I know I can only work on Hungry quickly, its so hard! Hugs and love back xx

  2. You did a good job dealing with all those stressors. Hunger really gets me.

    I too spent a long time just functioning. I feel like I was just biding time, waiting to die? Not sure, but definitely not living.

    Now I am alive and every day life gets more and more awesome. My same, regular life.

    You are doing great.


    1. I'm up today before 10 am, today I've promised myself I'll keep busy.

      I'm so glad you're so happy Anne!

      You're all an inspiration all you sober bloggers out there.