Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Day 10 - Is chocolate the new wine?

Good morning. Be warned this sober blog has actually signs of happiness in it. Yes today is good, I have discovered the joy of chocolate. Yes, I'm a girl, but the whole chocolate thing, I've just never got. Until now, and let me tell you its awesome. I'm thinking maybe this is a momentary blow to the head, a bit like my out of character sober-ness. *yes I know this isn't a word, I'm dyslexic as well as a wine head so sometimes I make up words, easier than spelling words I just can't get the hang of. 

I often tell myself I can't be any shape of an alcoholic, as I can't spell it (*attempt number 4 got it right). Always with the excuses......I just like wine, I like drinking.

So yesterday I've pondered the no alcohol life, 'is this it', 'is life really this 'ordinary'', 'is this what I want', no wine escape, no gin buzz, no cava bubbles delishishness. IT SO DULL. Oh man its almost Sloe Gin and Mulled wine season. Man really, you're stopping now. I lolled and languished in self pity for a long while dreaming of fires and red wine and skiing and vin chaude.

The question I then asked myself was does it really matter, at the rate your slurping it back Mrs, you're like, erm, really savouring the taste? Get a grip, you drink like you're a fish, its like you're sucking the life out the bottle. It could be bloody lighter fluid. The ironic part of my brain is always good for a bit of perspective.  Seasons of mists and mellow fruitfulness my arse.  Just means its dark early, its cold and you can drink earlier.

So I've been doing lots of reading and I wanted to get a bit more 'perspective' so I signed up for Belles soberpodcasts on Tired of Thinking about Drinking. I'd listened to a couple of them online and her voice just wriggled into my brain like a lovely quirky, comforting, honest, brain worm *sorry Belle* there is of course nothing 'wormy' about you.

Signed up and newly sober, which means I'm paying more attention to the real world than to myself, the small print said something like thanks for being awesome (or something like that) and click here and I'll send you some chocolate. Now I'm not really a chocolate fan, I only eat it rather grudingly, once a month at 'that time', but the thought of someone taking the time to send something to me sparked my inner 'people are really awesome' button.

Fast forward to yesterday lunchtime, I'm eating a healthy lunch (for a change I'm not consuming shitty food and lots of carbs to abait my hangover, my inner comfort food monster and my dodgy guts), I'm making some nice coffee (my stomach is feeling good actually, so I can have real coffee) and the postie comes. Plonk through the door, a bar of chocolate, dark, zesty and the skin is almost ripped off it before its out of the box. My darling, where have you been all my life. Thank you Belle, thank you sober bloggers, thank you sober communities. Chocolate is awesome.

Is chocolate my new wine? I double check the calendar, its not 'quite' that time yet. Bizarre but it makes me so HAPPY. I have two squares and put it away, restraint and want to savour it later.

No 'Wolfie' last night, saited by chocolate I think. Who knew. I know its early days and he's 'here' lurking, sulking, but for yesterday, he shut the fuck up. For that I'm hugely grateful. OK so I was still 'sulky' with no wine but no wine was drunk.

I've joined a few online communities Women For Soberity where I'm pledging each day to have a sober 24 hours and thinking about the various things I can do to help me. A wonderful sober community exists and its free and its private and its anonymous and its safe. Living Sober is another place I've found that also rocks and am hanging out on various blogs reading back articles. I'm reading sober blogs and picking through the ones which resonate with me like Ahangoverfreelife and Soberbia to name but a few. And yes I've decided I totally need help, whether I like it or not. The support out there is breathtakingly amazing. Thank you all. OK, so I'm still sulky at my 'I don't think I can drink' plight, then as if my magic, I read a couple articles by MrsD about cravings and if you can have fun without wine.

That is bullshit (that you need booze to make it all good)

Now I didn't drink at my own wedding, as I wanted to enjoy it with other folks. What does that tell you. I did of course start drinking at 1am after most of the public had gone, til gone 5am, missed my first night 'cuddling' my husband (did I mention he's a patient man). He was cool with it, its what I do (maybe its what I did) I drink well after he's in bed, often alone, sometimes with chums.

This one really hit home. Often I'll just have the one, a couple. Then if you push the fast forward button, I'm pissed, asleep alone on the couch, or in what knows what state, situation, mess, all of my own making. How many times have I hit the fast forward button, stayed over with chums cos I'm too pissed to go home, had arguments about nothing, stormed off, quietly sat on my sofa numbing myself. Too many to even think about and the worst of them, I hardly bear to utter, they're so shameful.

Push the fast forward button (what can/does/might have happenned when you have 'just the one', or more.....)

Suddenly I'm thoughtful, full of chocolate and wondering, if I can actually keep Wolfie at bay, somehow, please, somehow, why on earth I ever have drunk anything. I've very scarily signed up for Belles 100 Day Challenge. Am I insane, probably, but right not I don't hurt and I'm frightened but I don't want to go back to pushing that fast forward button and having Wolfie in my head the whole time. I'm scared to talk to anyone I know about it all, what will I tell them. Right now, I'm happy quietly moving forward. 

I'd never take other recreational drugs. Lose control, me, never. But wine, that's OK, isn't it? That's normal, its not a real drug. (oh but it is)

Ah the irony. As for telling people, not yet. I might never and those drinking buddies I've had so close to my heart, somethings got to change, it might be me, I hope we weather it.

So, without the wine bells, with Wolfie snacking on sober-love-chocolate, I had a sober bath, dyed my sober hair. It struck me, I always dye my hair at night, have I ever been sober? That might explain all the hair dye marks on the floor/walls before we moved and my rather random hair.

I tell myself I'm clumsy. The evidence would suggest I'm generally hammered in charge of hair dye. Surely that's not clever.

Yesterday sober mum (by text), sober girl (got some 'my life admin done', instead of adopting my normal head-up-arse stance) and sober wife. 

[The new chocolate eating thing has 'himself' a bit confused, but we'll take it one day at a time still.]

PS I thought there would be less words today, sorry about that. I'm off out for the day soon, so instead of being succinct, I got up earlier. Now, that's a first. As is today being Day 11.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.


  1. Ah. Chocolate. It still beckons to me, months into sobriety.
    Whatever it takes. These first days and months are hard. It's hard to not hear wolfie and he does get very aggressive at times.
    Joining e 100 day challenge is a great idea. Give yourself a good chunk of time, with support, to see how you feel. To get past the fears and loss of drinking to numb life away, and into he joy and freedom waiting for you.

    O love the thought of sober hair dying. I'm sure many messes in our house were caused by wine induced clumsiness too.


    1. Anne thank you. I stupidly expected it to be hard, but not this hard. Many of my messes were def wine induced. Thank you for popping over I love your blog too!

  2. Hey Daisy! Thanks for the name check :) Awesome list of support you've got going there and yes chocolate oh chocolate where would I be without you? It hits your dopamine spot just like wine so that's why wolfie goes quiet ;) PS If you are missing the idea of mulled wine try Belvoirs mulled winter punch - just the ticket for cold winter nights by the fire and no hangover xx

    1. Found it! and its yummy. Made elderberry jelly once its quite earthy like that was.

      Thank you, As for chocolate, who knew!