Sunday, 5 October 2014

Day 3 - Back to square one. Predictable as always

So yesterday not so much the sober wife, sober mother yes I talked to both the kids early evening sorting out some uni finances. Sober wife, not so much. 1 bottle of red wine in my belly. So Day 3 ended predictably, squiffy and a bad nights sleep, guilt today and I'm on the hunt for some wine to replace the wine I necked. Addicted or just plain stupid, the verdict is out on that one, but I said I'd be honest.

So yesterday was full of joy and chores, if you can combine those in the same sentence. Anyhow, a grand day with an invitation to hubby's Mum to stay for tea and sleepover. We have a lot of visitors here, we're out in the countryside and if you're captive for a meal often unless you drive staying over is really the best option.  Now like many folks, I have an odd relationship with my MIL, its gone from cool to OK we're both in this for the long hall, guess we'd best get on with it. I like her but I find her a bit smothering of her son. Note to self, don't smother my son (!) so we rub along.

I made a roast and didn't buy wine, however she brought wine. I'd pondered how this might go. I'd purposefully not brought any home, even so it arrived. Not the wines fault, its completely innocent in this little play. I'd not wanted the fuss of 'why aren't you drinking', so when I was offered a glass I accepted and placed it by my meal. Now I like wine but I'm not such a fan of it with food. I prefer water. I like wine before or after but on the whole, with food, waters my favourite. So I left the wine by my meal. As MIL's glass grew emptier, I took a sip. As she emptied hers and went to get the bottle to refill it, I almost downed my own wine and she topped me up. My inner voice (the wine soaked one) was shouting at me, 'Quick or she'll get more than you'.

One glass in, topped up second, it always leads to more. So whilst she stopped at 2, I finished the bottle quietly in the kitchen just in case I'd miss out on my share.

Sometimes I can stop after one, if I have one, not two often I can stop. After two and the heads a bit fuzzy, the wine fuzzed head rules.

So inevitably I took the bottle of the special wine my husband has been keeping, opened it quietly in the wee room by the kitchen and filled a maroon coloured tumbler. In fairness it was a nice wine. But even as I drank the first glass (went for snacks, another excuse to drink another glass) I knew I didn't want it, almost hard to drink, but I carried on. Why? Because I could.

We watched a movie with me sneaking through for a wee drop more. So eventually I conked out having drank half a bottle of his nice wine, safely hidden in a cupboard he never goes in.

Somethings never change. So a bad nights sleep and I feel like shit today. Physically I'm a bit groggy but the inner head (the non-wine soaked one) is just mad at me, guilty and annoyed. Today I'll replace the wine I drank, if I can find the same one, thank god for google. I'd hate for him to know, and all breakfast I just hoped he'd not go in the cupboard it was hidden in.

Addicted? Probably. Why else would I make myself pay all day for something I did for two hours the night before.

The non-sober wife disturbed her husband by getting up groggy and thumping headache (the wine was 13.5%) and needing a drink. Never of us slept well after that.

Are my actions hurting anyone but me, probably.

I've filled up my churning stomach, taken more painkillers and had a shower. My face is getting worse for the lines there I think. I've promised myself one day I'll investigate cosmetic surgery (non-invasive) for the lines on my face. But, no point until the drinking has stopped. If clear skin and a healthy liver aren't enough, what is?

Off to find that wine and put it back before I'm found out.  Predictable as always.

I'm reflecting but not giving myself a flogging, even if I think I need one. Flogging my inner head only leads to self loathing which leads to drinking. Today has to be different.

And as I ponder the half a bottle of wine in the bottle, my non-wine head tells me to pour it out now. The wine-brain tells me that's such a waste, its terrible to waste things. Don't do it. You don't need to drink it, it tells me.

I think safest all round is for it to head down the sink, so it can't sing to me later.

So we're on Day Zero again. I'm scared of setting myself a challenge like give up for a week or a month or a year, they seem to implausible for me to achieve and if I don't I'll only flog my head again.

Today I'm going to try not to drink, just today. I might post later if that helps, who knows. I'm thinking I'll read more blogs and see how other people fill their time when they don't drink.

Of course the house needs cleaned and there are chores later to do like shirts and lunches. Maybe if I can start them rather than a bottle of wine, I might get something productive done.

Today I'm going to try and be a sober girl, sober mum, sober wife.

I'd say wish me luck, but its only me who can keep the bottle corked.

I don't want to be an alcoholic. My Dad was an alcoholic, he fucked everything up, I don't want to.

I'm still not working aside a few hours from home, perhaps I need to write myself some tasks of 'what to do when you can do anything because you've time as you're not working'

Probably needs a catchier title than that.



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2 comments:

  1. Have just started reading your blog from the very beginning I can really relate to your early days I'm at that point now ... am sure as I read on you will be an inspiration!!!

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