Saturday, 25 October 2014

Day 20 & 21 The sober bubble

So this is me. Front and centre, grinning like an idiot. Bestie right by my side as always. She's a star, she even cooked for my wedding. Yes someone lovely is cleaning my boots, it a long story, but that's not normal!
So I'm sitting here, shaking, my guts are all over the place, I feel sick and I'm actually scared. I'm not sick. At least I don't think I am. This is the first of my 'social' weekends since I quit drinking. Last night we ended up out with younger relatives. As the pitchers of cocktails went by in the bar we were in, in town, I had a twinge. Just a glass of wine, I'd like that, just one. But I had such a thurst, I knew for sure I couldn't stop at one. I'm with my husbands young relatives (early 20's) I like these folks, I don't need to be a drunken lass in front of them. Whilst its hard, the moment eventually passes. Conversation is a bit stilted, normally I fill in the gaps with my chatter. Not today. I'm a bit guarded and twitchy. We return home, normally my cue to drink, but I snaffle some chocolate and some winter punch, I feel safer. We say our sober goodbyes and I wake up this morning, the first thought not 'what did I say' but, 'nice evening'. That was nice.

I've never said 'well done' to myself for not drinking. Some of you have, and that's awesome to hear but I feel like a fraud. A sober fraud. I feel broken and unworthy. I don't know why. I guess, for some folks not drinking isn't a big deal, for me its epic. My brains just telling me, other people don't find it hard, why should you. You're broken, that's why you drink, it helps. I'm realising, it doesn't help. So what if I'm broken, wine doesn't help.

But, today, right now, I'm also terrified. My best friend is coming to stay, its been arranged for months. Normally there would be at least a couple bottles of wine and a bottle of gin here. Tomorrow (normally) we'd replenish the wine at least, sometimes also the gin. But, today there's no wine here. There's no gin. Tonight feels like it will be an enormous test. I've (stupidly) told her yesterday, that I didn't mind if she drank here too. She can do what she pleases, I love her enough to allow her the space to drink if she wants to enjoy her weekend away. This trip is her weekend off from stresses and family, so normally we drink. Whilst she's not likely to drink to excess most days, I can. So having her here is a great excuse for me to 'celebrate' with wine, like I do most nights she's not here.

She knows I'm not drinking, she's the only friend who knows how hard this is. It took me a while to tell her as I didn't want to make her feel as if I was making a judgement on her or thinking worse of her for drinking when I'm not. And, I'm not a person who judges anyone, especially her. She also has an 'off' button when it comes to drinking, we both know, I struggle with the 'off' button. She understands and she doesn't judge.

She's a star.

I'm just not ready to come out of my sober bubble yet. She might join me, I guess, there's certainly room for not just me. I like my sober bubble.

And whilst I'm nervous I know she's not going to tip me upside down and put a wine hose down my throat, really, is she?

Now that I've written that sentence, I guess its quite silly to be scared, but I'm nervous of how tonight might go. I just need to be strong and know that, I've not drank for 21 days. And, I'm OK. It might be hard later but I'll get through it.

After all, I got through yesterday, in a bar. I have enough room on my credit card for 100's of bottles of wine, I haven't bought any.

I haven't drunk.

Sober mum, erm well no sober mum action this weekend so far but I'm AVAILABLE.
Sober girl, who's really looking forward to seeing her chum, even if she's a bit nervous.
Sober wife, shopping budget came in at under £22 this week, dinners cooking, house is looking nice. Had a walk after shopping without a throbbing head, without being grumpy. 

PS We've more weekend family staying next weekend, my DH has phoned and said we're a booze free house at the moment, so if that's cool, come and stay. No objections from the rellies, they never batted an eyelid, so you see, I am learning. And, this here, this house, right now, this is my sober bubble.

PPS I dunno why I shared a pic, probably won't do it often, I might even take it down later, I'm not sure, but this is me. I'm a real girl, with a real problem but I'm trying to fix myself.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.


  1. What a beautiful smile and I love the red boots.
    Being shaky and worried is normal and healthy. This is hard! I know it was really really heard for me. You can look at my blog and see. I had a million Monday's where I wanted to quit and never stipuck to my plans. Frustrating and disappointing.

    I completely felt broken. Unworthy. This is the booze (my husband call the voice his inner addict, Belle calls it wolfie) trying to convince you you don't deserve to be sober and happy. Those thoughts pass with a little more time and you will see. You were never broken, you were just confused and the clarity that comes with sobriety brings serenity and happiness.
    It's really shocking just how poorly alcohol impacts our lives while we think we are having fun.

    Your husband sounds like a great guy. I bet your friend will be too!

    Have a great weekend.


    1. Aww thanks Anne! Those are my wedding wellington boots. I've gone over and read lots of your blog, it is hard isn't it! Not the reading of your writing, the not drinking! Thank you for sharing how you felt too. I've tagged that inner moron of mine Wolfie too, its just so descriptive. He's a beast.

      Both our husbands sound like stars. Thank you for posting I really appreciate it.

      Off to read more from you right now!

  2. You are not broken, of if you are, I was too :) As Anne says 'that's the addict voice' telling you these untruths about yourself. Have a lovely week-end with your friend xx

    1. My broken voice is a loud one but I do know from experience when I get positive things done, it goes quieter. Nice to see my chum, I was so surprised by how 'normal' she was after several gins and a bottle of wine. In some ways I thought, wow. In other ways I thought, if my kids only saw me like this, happier, less worried and a bit funnier (as she was, less fretty) then maybe I shouldn't be bludgeoning myself for being this drunk falling around mum/wife. OK, so I drank and i can't change that, but she seemed quite 'normal' after 12 units (no judgement here) so my husbands, you never get falling down drunk is probably quite accurate for me, but its scary that 12 units and you still seem sober. I guess my tolerance was high. Lucy you don't seem broken, so maybe I need to be kinder to myself. Thank you both.